Report: Homemade College Meal Looks Like Something You Were Dared to Eat in Middle School

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With the idea of grocery shopping being a chore only done out of desperation and random health kicks, refrigerator supplies in the overpriced broom closets that students call homes across Tallahassee simply aren’t holding up. The complete disregard for dwindling fresh produce at home results in nasty meals that would make your middle school bully proud. College students are learning the hard way that expired condiments on a single end piece of bread is not a sandwich, but instead just a gross concoction they were double dog dared to jam into their braces when they were 12.

“When I was a kid, it was funny to eat a cornbread muffin soaked in Dr. Pepper and mustard. I even let my friends add whatever edible fluids they wanted to see me scarf down,” shared freshman Shaun Frazier while assembling a piece of bread in between two other pieces of bread to make a sandwich sandwich. “Between skipping classes and getting kicked out of my dorm for indiscreetly smoking weed, I barely have time to scroll through the 'sad microwave meal recipe' section on Pinterest. The only thing I know how to do is mix mayonnaise and ketchup together to make pink sauce™,” the freshman added as he sadly gestured over to his food cabinet, which contained several loose moldy pretzels and an opened bag of stale Cheetos.

“For holidays, the cafeteria would always serve mystery meat that came from an unknown species of animal. Someone dared me to eat it thinking they got me, but the joke was on them because I was prepared to chow down that," said Jocelyn Greenberg, the only friend in her group that genuinely enjoys eating in Suwannee. "My go-to meal is always a half-microwaved hot pocket, so that I can savor the warm, processed flavor and the cold, unsatisfying taste of self-hate.”

Whether someone with a rolling backpack dares you to eat it, or it’s truly the only option you have, the reality is that time is a flat circle. No one really knows what they're doing, even as adults. You'll forever be enjoying the sweet taste of horseradish and cream of wheat as entropy consumes all that you know and love… or you could just order takeout from your jar of $1 bills that you won from all those food dares.

Whether someone with a rolling backpack dares you to eat it, or it’s truly the only option you have, the reality is that time is a flat circle. No one really knows what they're doing, even as adults. You'll forever be enjoying the sweet taste of horseradish and cream of wheat as entropy consumes all that you know and love… or you could just order takeout from your jar of $1 bills that you won from all those food dares.

Image Credit: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/26/sandwich-fails_n_3653768.html?slideshow=true#gallery/309957/16