The time has come where broke students pay $60 to put on a shapeless robe and wait two hours to walk 10 feet across a stage. Proud family members are ready to witness this milestone by trying to wave at a single person across an arena of 50,000 and taking photos on their cell phone cameras without a zoom function. While some students across the nation are lucky enough to have even the lowest of the family hierarchy attend, FSU students with limited ticket options are forced to let down beloved Aunties, Nonnas and Memaws.
“The first ticket is obviously for my mom, but she’s a package deal with her boyfriend Oscar and his boyfriend Brent. That’s three tickets out the window before I even got a chance to think about which of my seven aunts would give me the most money as a graduation present,” shared distressed graduating senior Nataly Sellers as she crossed off "Aunt Susie" from the page of names in her bullet journal. "I like to narrow things down by determining who called me the least in college. It's probably my dad, who only checks in every month to see if I'm alive. But I need him to get me a new MacBook Pro as a graduation gift."
“For a second there, I really thought that I wasn’t going to make the cut. She hadn’t brought up money in any of our phone conversations lately,” shared Grandma Beverly, as she death gripped the sixth and final golden ticket to Sellers' graduation. “Her damn three year old brother is even a ticket spot above me. He's not even going to remember this in a few days,” she explained while withdrawing $200 from Sellers’ graduate school fund.
As families engage one another in both verbal and physical deathmatches, it’s important to focus on the main idea: FSU kinda gets off on forcing students to pick favorite family members. Aside from the impossible of obtaining more graduation tickets unless you're buying them from scalpers on FSU Craigslist, the university can’t really do much about this issue. All you can do now is hope your family is still funding that post-graduation backpacking through Europe trip, and thank God you don’t have step families.