10 Things My Dealer Sold Me W**d in Other Than a Bag
We’ve all been on the receiving end of the classic dealer faux-paus: running out of small baggies to package up their weed. I get it, bags aren’t exactly the top priority in my grocery list either, it’s wedged somewhere between Honey Bunches of Oats and the expensive cheese I can only buy if I picked up extra shifts at work the previous week. These bagless purchases can either be a mild inconvenience or a huge ordeal depending on what household item is close enough to your dealer to serve you up.
1. Tin Foil
A common go-to for dealers who ran out of sandwich-sized Ziplock bags, tin-foil is easily molded around the bud making it a spill-proof alternative to the classic little baggie.
2. To-Go Box
The last time I bought [redacted],I was given the goods inside of a foam to-go box. Desperate and sober, my friends and I decided to purchase some of the devil’s lettuce from a man working at the drive-thru window of a restaurant I don’t feel comfortable naming. The transaction was just as sketchy as it sounds. Everything was hidden beneath a pile of french fries that we devoured by the time we got home.
3. Old Shoe
Although it may not be the most sanitary, the scent of five-year-old, unwashed sneaker is just ripe enough to cover the stank of whatever dank substance you just bought. The shoe laces can even be tied into a knot, turning an old pair of New Balances into a new smoke satchel! Talk about innovation.
4. An Empty Brita
This one can be tricky because if the Brita isn’t fully dry then the bud will get wet and become useless, making everybody both sad and obnoxiously sober. Make sure when being handed the empty pitcher, you take extra precaution to dry it with the same crusty towel you use for spilt bong water.
Mason jars are a thing of the past! Clunky tupperware makes for the perfect trade-off. The patented, fresh-seal technology of tupperware makes it the perfect vessel for transporting your herb. If anyone asks, you just have a kink for fresh oregano.
6. Folded in a Tortilla Like a Burrito
Working at Chipotle for a year in high school granted me a particular set of skills: I can make a mean batch of guacamole, stand on my feet for over ten hours and wrap the tightest burrito on this side of the Mississippi. The faux-ritto is the perfect way to sneak your bud back to your apartment without piquing interest in your package. Plus, you get to eat the tortilla after you get stoned. Thanks, Dylan!
7. My Hand
Truly a classic. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Nothing is more humbling than getting weed poured into your hand like a little baby bird begging mama for worms. If you’re like me, though, you'll spend most of the day scrounging in your car for the pieces that fell out of your hand on the drive back to your apartment.
8. A Half-Eaten Bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I don’t know if he was too high to notice that the bag wasn't empty or he was testing my commitment to the lifestyle, but I spent a good 45 minutes trying to get the cheese residue off of my weed. I still smoked the cheese-covered weed, of course. No I’m not proud of it.
9. “World’s Best Dad” Mug
Although I am a woman and a single mother of none, I was honored to receive such a cherished item. My unborn children can rest easy knowing that they are destined to grow up under an award winning parent. Victory is sweeter than any drug.
10. Inside a Hot Pocket
Perfect for when you’re picking up from your sketchier, third-tier dealer that you wonder how he hasn’t been caught by the police yet. The cheese and sauce will conceal the bud from the watchful eyes of the law. But make sure not to wedge the goods too deep into the Hot Pocket because the naturally molten center of the delicacy will burn it before you get a chance to smoke anything.