Twenty-Five Percent of Student’s Rent Going to Apartment Pool Party He Wasn't Invited To

When the stress of calculating what final exam grade is needed to pass your failing class finally reaches a boiling point, a lack of student apartment benefits should be the last thing on your mind. That’s why every resident at your overpriced apartment complex and all their Greek friends were thrilled to receive an invitation to a pool party last Saturday, where everyone was invited except for local pool pooper Tyler Womack, who showed up to the first party with a snorkel and flippers.

“We actually have monthly pool parties and 'Free Food Fridays' where we use extra apartment funds to put out half-eaten buckets of chicken and some ketchup packets from one of the dining halls on campus. It’s totally paid for because everyone here got suckered into signing a lease that gives away their entire future economic independence,” said leasing office representative Shindila Spinetapper as she got dressed in a designer-brand bathing suit bought with students' rent money. “It's not like we're evil; we slip invitations under everyone's doors except Tyler Womack's. He was literally an entire agenda point in our last staff meeting and now we have a 'no pool pooping' policy in our leasing agreements. Also, he just sucks."

“People tell me I'm too serious about swimming to be fun at pool parties. All I do is ask people to do cannon balls and belly flops so I can show them how big my waves are,” shouted Tyler Womack as he attempted to make his voice heard over the absolutely sick rager going on downstairs by the pool. "There are tons of free drinks but I'm too afraid to drink a virgin margarita. It could impair my swimming speed! I play it cool and safe, y'know? Even when I'm swimming in my bathtub I wear floaties."

Tyler Womack has learned the painful lesson that paying an embarrassing amount for rent still does not guarantee friendship. Womack’s full year lease means that all his fellow apartment residents will continue to benefit from free pool parties through the summer. He is currently searching for a cheaper place to live with a big bathtub to carry out his dream of roleplaying the Amazon river god from Shape of Water.

The Eggplant FSU