A staple in the department of English is the infamous Article and Essay Technique class. Three times a week students are forced to unwillingly participate in workshopping their classmates’ essays which usually range from monotone accounts of cooking dinner with grandma to that one time someone actually had to use CPR in public. However, nothing is worse than having to sit through a peer reading their hot and heavy fan fiction about characters who were clearly modeled after themself and Linguini from Ratatouille. Florida State’s own Ashley Robinson was finally pushed to her breaking point when she read the words “throbbing” and “penne alla vodka” in the same sentence.
“After reading Caroline’s essay I immediately knew the class workshop would be, once again, extremely uncomfortable. Not only were we granted yet another unsolicited peek into her sexual promiscuity, but she defecated all over what is undoubtedly one of the most important movies in modern day cinema,” Robinson explained while shredding her copy of the paper and squirting a full bottle of contact solutions directly into her eyes. “My assignments are meant to enhance the skill of writers, not provide an open ended discussion of the benefits of pasta sauce as a lubricant.”
“I had never seen a student actually get kicked out of a class before but I’m still torn on whether or not the decision was fair,” Caroline’s classmate Tyler Bingham stated while searching, to his own horror, the character list and realizing the movie is based around a cartoon rat. “In her defense, Caroline’s essay stayed in third person the entire time and provided us with very descriptive settings. Honestly, I liked this one way more than her story last week about hooking up with her RA.”
After a long and uncomfortable discussion about what is considered workshop appropriate, Robinson agreed to allow Caroline to continue participation in future class discussions as long as her essays remained smut-free. Caroline, however, will still be allowed to plug her Wordpress account before class where she will be continuing her three-part Ratatouille fantasy. Robinson elected to cancel class for the rest of the week in order to allow her students to decompress from what was a very disturbing workshop session.