The days of guesstimating the macros of your bi-weekly alcohol consumption are finally over. Thanks to the new update of Under Armour’s frighteningly cult-y “MyFitnessPal” app, users now have the option to log all of their pint-sized shooters with the click of a button. For health-conscious FSU students, this addition has been a long time coming. At last, all of the school’s gloriously-ripped health nuts will be able to track their sugar intake all the while completely ignoring the irreversible liver damage they are also creating with every Y-bomb consumed.
“I’ve been on the paleo diet for about a year now and it’s amazing. It’s all about eating the way our pre-civilization ancestors did. It’s very holistic,” said FSU senior Mary Ann Fleming while attempting to do lunges down the packed staircase of HCB as people inadvertently shove her left and right. “I treat myself on the weekends without unlimited Jell-O shots as a way of adding balance to my life. Thanks to the new MFP update, I can now track all of that pesky sugar while still not paying any attention to the actual risks of such elevated amounts of vodka. It makes my life so much easier.”
Other students, however, are not so keen on the new serving size. Self-described ‘gym rat’ Stephen Wayne believes that MyFitnessPal’s latest addition will give people the false idea that they are capable of consuming immense amounts of gelatin without having any health repercussions. “I once saw my grandpa eat Jell-O and that’s when I knew it was lame,” he said as he did curls with a large dog he stole from Landis Green. “If any part of my diet includes something that a scrawny old man eats, then there’s no way that it can contribute to my goal of becoming four giant limbs. An app that encourages that deserves two tiny thumbs down.”
Whether Florida State students decide to take advantage of this new fitness tracking oppurtunity or not, one can assume that the consumption of boxed Jell-O and New Amsterdam will continue to be prevalent among the student body. While not all health nuts are particularly enthused by this development in the world of carb-crushing and protein-packing, it seems as though we should place our focus on the positives: FSU students are considering their health more and excess amounts of dixie cups can be disposed of in your residence hall under the guise of ‘mouthwash’ vessels.