Freshman Still Unsure How to Pregame Discreetly in Dorms


Despite being seven months into the school year, freshmen are still having a difficult time understanding the difference between discretion and clinking bottles past 9PM every night to let their neighbors know they're having way too much of a good time. From the classic two-minute pause between your RA banging on your door to the "oh shit" verse from Fergie's "London Bridge" playing as you stuff your ungodly amount of gold 4Lokos and friends in any random crevice, it's pretty obvious you're going down before even making it to one of the eight ubers parked outside your building. Despite warnings, Magnolia Hall resident Hannah Steinberg still plans on making sure her pregames are one hundred times more live than anything seen in “Project X.”

"I just love the cramped atmosphere of my room and trying to see how many people I can fit inside. The most we've gotten is 14," Steinberg acclaimed as she chucked several glass bottles down her floor's trash chute to let everyone know she spends at least $300 a month on alcohol. "My friends and I always blast music from Spotify's 'Top 50 Global Hits' as we kill our immune systems with shots of Skol and take hits from our Juuls right next to the smoke alarm. I know everyone is annoyed at us for making it apparent that we're pregaming, but it's part of the college experience, y'know? Just like taking Baby Bio for the 3rd time in a row because you never go to class."

"For some reason, everyone flocks to Magnolia to pregame. Most of the time I walk around with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears, but we still have to tell our residents to act like they aren't doing anything suspicious. That's when we have to actually do our jobs," said Hannah's RA Josh Hood as he finished typing up a 1000 page report on a resident who thought it would be a good idea to shotgun a beer in the middle of his hallway. "But I do get a lot of joy from making people pour out every single can and bottle when I finally catch them. One time a girl asked if she could close her eyes and let her friends do it for her and I said 'no, you have to watch.' It was pretty funny."

Steinberg plans to continue her pregaming antics all the way to her senior year, even when she's living in an expensive Collegetown apartment where one month's rent costs an entire semester's worth of tuition. Lucky for her, there won't be an RA to document anyone for headbutting an exit sign three separate times to make it on the FSU Snapchat story. If anything, Steinberg plans to invite Hood to her pregames for other pregames as a way of letting him know that all she wanted to do was just have a good time.


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