Local Boy Frozen Solid After Girlfriend Mentions Sexual Encounter From Seven Years Ago

Screen Shot 2018-03-21 at 1.34.01 PM.png

Evan Rhodes is not sexist, or so he announces in his toothpaste-speckled mirror every morning before longboarding to class and scratching at the fresh coat of pink nail polish on his thumb. As a self-proclaimed male feminist who listens exclusively to Charli XCX's song "Boys" and watches “The Handmaid’s Tale” twice a day, it's pretty obvious that his biggest passion in life is respecting women. Unfortunately, none of these admirable efforts to be a better ally prevented his body from freezing solid when his girlfriend mentioned a sexual encounter from seven years ago with a man who isn’t him.

"One second, we were laughing about my sexual conquests over women, the next she mentions her one-night stand with ‘Chad from high school,’" confessed a shocked Rhodes as he put lotion on his fresh, new uterus tattoo. "Before this moment I completely forgot that women had sex, too. I know I'm not her first boyfriend, but it's so hard to imagine there being another man before me to disappoint her sexually. It feels like the world has been ripped right out from underneath my $380 Yeezy's."

"It was literally just sex so I don't really understand what the big deal is. There were people before him and based on his credit score, there'll definitely be people after him," stated an unsympathetic Sadie Schumaker, while drafting texts to dump her boyfriend later tonight and sending them in her group chat to get opinions. "We made it official six weeks ago after some really awkward Bumble dates. One time, I wore my 'this is what a feminist looks like' shirt and he said he needed to change his elephant pants because it made him cream himself. What kind of dude says that?"

Rhodes and Schumaker have been attending couples therapy every Tuesday at the Health and Wellness Center since the incident. Rhodes will likely remain in his frozen state for years to come until he ascends to the last stage of the galaxy brain meme and realizes the error of his performative feminist ways and actually starts respecting women by not chastising them for their previous sexual encounters. For now though, he will wear a cone of shame to stop him from barking at other men who exist in the same vicinity as his girlfriend.

The Eggplant FSU