Guy Who Vacationed in Miami Beach Won’t Stop Smoking Cheap Cigars in the Middle of Class

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Covered in tan lines and still smelling of sunscreen and unspecified bodily fluids, students are flocking back to FSU’s campus this week as classes start back up after spring break. As they adjust back into their mundane, un-debaucherous routines, some have managed to keep their wild vacation memories alive. One of those people is senior Jared Kaplan, whose week-long bender in South Beach has resulted in his adoption of lighting up cigars in the middle of an HCB classroom to the dismay of his fellow classmates.

“There’s nothing quite like burnin’ up a Cuban as my professors lecture nonsense in the background. What can I say — it relaxes me,” said Kaplan while taking a hit that was immediately followed by a ferocious coughing fit brought on by his now tri-daily tobacco consumption. “Every time I take a puff, I’m instantly transported back to the calming waves and lingering smell of vomit mixed with seawater that made spring break so special. My step-mom’s brother was born in Havana so it’s also a great way for me to get in touch with my culture.” 

Although Kaplan sees no issue with his new habit, other students in his classes are not exactly charmed by his antics. “He set off the fire alarm eight times in the span of 50 minutes. It was incredibly distracting,” shared FSU junior Chabeli Perez as she smacked her jacket against a chair to reveal a cloud of ashy soot. “As a native Miamian, I find it very offensive. He’s been trying to rock these cheap linen shirts and boat shoes. Yesterday he started crushing mint leaves on his desk to make a mojito. It’s absurd.” 

The sunbathing and germ-swapping that makes spring break so memorable may be over, but the determination and high-spirits of people like Kaplan have most definitely demonstrated how one can extend their stay in paradise. It is important for students to remember that nothing should ever come between them and their happiness, even if that thing is your school’s strictly enforced ‘tobacco free’ policy. 

The Eggplant FSU