Local Tow Truck Driver Will Release Your Car if You Guess His Name Correctly

tow copy.jpg

Though everyone already knew that tow truck drivers work largely under the guise of moonlight because they’re a special breed of fairytale villain, rumors surrounding one driver’s mythical kink are circulating Tallahassee. College students recently towed from apartment complexes everywhere slowly began to inquire what the driver’s name was in order to identify him in their official complaint to corporate (one strong woman with a shotgun for an arm who turns souls over to the devil for tins of Skoal), given his frequent and inappropriately timed mumblings about stealing first born children and spinning gold. However, the driver allegedly showed a strange willingness to release their cars if these students could properly guess his name.

“It was the most bizarre situation. I was leaving my friend's apartment around midnight, and sure enough I saw this wrinkly little man about to tow my car," commented local sophomore and car owner Zoe Dessandrova as she flipped through her "Riddling for Dummies" book. "Normally, I'd just sprint over, climb in and remind him that he'd technically be kidnapping me. But before I could act, he crawled out of the cab and beckoned me with a long, pensive finger wave," said Dessandrova, toying apprehensively with her fidget spindle.”I think he was just really excited that someone was paying attention to his wily gambit. At least I didn't have to go through anything like Shrek."

“I usually introduce myself as ‘The Tow Truck Driver’ because my boss told me that ‘Rumple-tow-skin’ is more than a little unprofessional. He seems to think it makes people picking up their cars even more likely to try and break my fingies through the little glass opening as I hand them the bill to sign,” said The Tow Truck Driver as he yanked up his stockings and pulled loose pieces of straw out of his hair. “The critique really got me thinking, though. Typically there’s nothing I love more than the thrill of driving recklessly with a student’s car attached to my truck and knowing that I’m not at all liable for any damages sustained to their vehicle. However, I’d be willing to let your chariot go free if you can guess my name in one go. If you guess incorrectly, you must relinquish your firstborn child.”

Students everywhere have their fingers apprehensively hovering over the ‘download’ button for the Pay-and-Park app. Grappling with a true Sophie’s Choice, car owners everywhere are wondering whether fighting for visitor parking is worth risking a sentient tow truck driver with unclipped fingernails and ugly pants that will come for their first born child. With only so many first born children up for grabs, students should be especially cautious of spaces with inadequate guest parking and tow truck drivers that claim that spend their free time singing riddles in the woods.

The Eggplant FSU