Spring Break Not Lining up With Easter Weekend “Probably for the Best” Heaven Officials Say

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The sun is shining, clocks are rolling forward and half of FSU’s campus is waking up with bloodshot eyes that they can now successfully blame on that pesky yellow pollen. All of this serves to remind us that the season of rebirth and trashing public beaches has arrived at last. That’s right, folks - spring has sprung, and Florida State students are filling their tanks and leaving their sweaters and morals behind as they prepare to back-up I-75 for miles this upcoming weekend. But not everyone is feeling the excitement surrounding spring break. Pseudo-religious students who usually bank on going to church with their parents to balance out their vacation sins are upset over the lack of spring break’s alignment with Easter weekend. That was, until, a message from no other than Heaven itself was sent out as a video link through FSU Alerts yesterday morning.

“We’re not saying we think you guys are going to hell, like, for sure or anything...but why beat a dead horse, ya know?” the skies above bellowed in regards to the controversial scheduling, with the Holy administrators supporting the decision to separate the two weeks. “What people don’t realize is that we see everything. Last year, we witnessed someone with missing swim trunks guzzle a Y-bomb as ‘Livin’ On a Prayer’ blasted through the speakers. After we chuckled at the irony, we started taking down names. It was Good Friday, for our sake.” 

Of course, students were stunned to see that a message from up above was actually addressed directly to them. “At first, I thought it was some sort of weird promo from one of the religious organizations on campus, but when I actually opened the video and noticed how high-def the quality was, I knew that it had to be real,” said FSU sophomore Mary Blanche while mindlessly chewing on the silver cross around her neck. “I’m honestly pretty offended at what the video implied about FSU students, mainly because we’re not all selfish and wild college kids. Last week, I donated two dollars to a Catholic charity raising money to build houses in the Caribbean through Venmo. I thought I was responding to a Dance Marathon request, but it still counts in both my book and, more importantly, in God’s.” 

Although some students were perhaps planning on going home for Easter, it seems quite clear that separating spring break and Holy Week is what’s best for the FSU population. Let’s just hope that the unholy events taking place on the beaches of Miami and Panama City this upcoming week will not result in students visiting the iconic pearly gates of a jail cell - for littering, of course. Free of religious restraint, party goers will finally be able to let loose without worrying about whether or not their dead relatives are watching them chug through a ten-foot beer bong in shame (which they are.) With that said, stay safe out there and put on some sunscreen for the love of God.

The Eggplant FSU