Student Goes to a Graduate Party and Doesn’t Realize It’s The Equivalent of an Office Holiday Party

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Upon being invited to Julie Gomez’s house party, Heather Moskowitz was ready to force her liver to be above max filtering capacity and live the rich wine mom lifestyle every sorority girl that came to college to meet a man is one day hoping to achieve. This sophomore had strategically organized all her plans in her bullet journal to ensure that any and all responsibilities would be pushed back, so she can get crazy after that single sip of Mike's Hard Lemonade this coming Sunday night. While Moskowitz was expecting a Saturday night that rivaled a love child of Project X and a theater major party, she quickly realized there was one problem that: she went to a party entirely made up of graduate students.

“It was an absolute snoozefest. Everyone here is like, 25 years old? Seriously, one grad was asleep on the couch. I would’ve thought that graduate students would be party animals,” said Moskowitz as she fixed her posture to avoid letting these old farts into thinking she was 21 with no visible back problems. “In their many years of neglecting consequences and drinking the night away, they should have evolved into Debauchery Gurus, gifted in the ways of indulgence. When I went to shotgun a 4Loko, everyone looked at me like they were having war flashbacks. They’re all lame-os, which is strange since they’re less than five years apart from us! It’s just like they signed up for one Roth IRA and forgot how to live life.”

“Oh, we were just talking about our theses and how hard we wished we were still at the ripe age of 22,“ Explained graduate student Julie Gomez as she collected the seven thousand papers of responses to the party’s assigned reading. “I wrote mine on the emerging civil unrest in the Saharan area concerning the waning trust in cacti as a renewable resource. Many citizens feel that the Peyote Cactus simply cannot support the ever increasing amount of camels. It’s a very important issue that society disregards as a whole. We figured the best way to raise awareness was to create one of those Tik Tok videos that the kids seem to love. I don’t understand why it's called Tik Tok when there isn’t a single clock in the app, but I know the kids like Mo Bamba and that ‘funky fresh’ beat really gets me going!”

While one undergraduate tried to explain the intricacies of the second coming of to the graduate students, the rest of Moskowitz's friends gathered all the alcohol and potato chips they could carry and left the scene. They took a 50% off Lyft using the promo code "UNDERGRAD4LIFE" and zoomed to a mutual friend of a friend’s party where they could properly turn up. Yet, to Moskowitz, there was a moment where she felt that maybe she didn't have to go wild to enjoy herself. Maybe, she could have just as much fun relaxing and chatting with people whose only lives consist of paperwork and taking their frustration out on their students in the classes they TA for. Naturally, Moskowitz realized that was a sad life to live and immediately took another Fireball shot.

The Eggplant FSU