It's Finals Week, Charlie Brown!
Due to the trauma that has been the entire year of 2018, it's about time everyone pretends to care about the holiday season through the escape of poorly produced feel-good movies that have no substance whatsoever. It’s the "season of cheer," which means spending twelve hours in the library and crying into your cup’o noodles probably isn’t the appropriate way to celebrate. Recognizing the dire need for escapism for college students everywhere, Freeform, the "new" version of ABC Family that literally nobody asked for, has finally stopped giving a shit about their constant reruns of Harry Potter and produced an after-school special catering specifically to all college students experiencing existential dread as they prepare for final exams.
"Good grief! I never thought I'd get to be a big kid in college at just eight years old. Nobody could ever have prepared me for staying up past my bedtime for an exam I'm definitely not smart enough to pass," whined Charlie Brown, who watched as the only strand of hair on his head slowly fell off due to extreme stress. "I tried going to the Counseling Center since Lucy works there now, but all she said was 'Snap out of it,' which didn't really cure me. I have to write four papers and take three exams this week! They're nothing like my second grade spelling tests. I'm going to have Snoop and Woodstock beg my professors for at least a B."
"Chuck just needs to grow up and understand that life comes at you fast. One minute you hear a 'wop wop' from an elementary school teacher and the next you hear actual words from your professor lecturing about the art of being human," exclaimed licensed psychiatrist Lucy van Pelt as she snatched Charlie Brown's scantron from under him while he tried to bubble in an obviously wrong answer. "When my mom and dad were in college, they said they had the time of their lives in one of those 'Serenities' and 'Frugalities.' That blockhead just needs to live a little and destress by ignoring all of his classwork until the last week of the school year. He should also stop bringing around those peanut butter sandwiches everywhere he goes. Everyone knows peanut butter is for lonely people. Besides, it's 2018 so tree nuts are also major allergen hazards."
Unsurprisingly, the two things millennials between the ages of 18 to 24 love more than Spotify and killing various mineral industries is a reason to procrastinate on doing work and watching depressing televised specials that can be screenshotted and used for self-deprecating tweets. There was both a rise in seasonal depression and ratings during Freeform's sad-and-strange-but-true Peanuts special. But if one thing is for certain, it's that finals week is definitely a big "Good grief!" moment for everyone.