College Freshman Doesn’t Understand Why She Puked After Drinking Entire Gallon of Jungle Juice


A majority of the student population at FSU knows what the end of October means: a time to drink away the rest of the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving break without having any meltdowns. After the Halloween festivities, that freshman chick from your Ethical Issues and Life Choices class doesn’t want you to forget how “blacked” she got at the Pumpkin Smash Rager last night, hence why she’s still wearing the outfit she wore to the party. It turns out that Chelsea Abrams, who neglected to wash vomit from her hair as a way to flex on all her straight-edge class mates, confirms the deed that she "probably maybe most definitely" blacked the fuck out last night and that she might, in fact, still be drunk right now.

“I can barely remember what happened last night,” said Abrams as she proceeded to gag at the thought of drinking any substance that wouldn't immediately corrode her throat or will to live. “I woke up with my boots still on and my hand stuck to the handle of the Publix water gallon I filled with the party’s jungle juice. My friends keep sending me videos of me vomiting in the backyard, but I’m having a hard time believing I really threw up that much after only drinking about three fourths of my jug. During Summer C, I was known for chugging random mysterious liquids and I was the queen of the slap bag. I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure I've never upchucked a single time.”

“Chelsea throws up literally every time she goes out. She just never manages to remember it,” stated Abrams’ roommate and classmate, Lily Rodgers, while posting a picture of Abrams leaning over a toilet to her Finsta account. “It’s a constant, unhealthy cycle. Chelsea will refuse to eat all day if she's planning to go out so that once a party starts, she’s barely conscious and vomiting up whatever liquor she’s decided to consume. The past five happy hours she’s ended up staining the carpet of every Uber with puke that's been all colors of ROYGBIV. They even banned her from using the app because she asked if her financial aid could cover the multiple $250 'dumb drunk bitch who threw up' fees. I’ve been thinking about having an intervention for her, but old habits die hard — especially for a party animal like Chelsea.”

Although Abrams consumed her body weight in ounces of alcohol last night, she still does not understand what caused the explosive barfing. With the help of her professor who could tell that she was still drunk while in class, she’ll be taking the steps to learn how to drink in a safer, more enjoyable way. FSU's craziest party animal will also taking a leave of absence from the bar scene where she will be constructing a virgin cocktail cookbook, creating drinks that won’t cause her to heave up her stomach lining.

The Eggplant FSU