Study Rooms Renamed “Socialize and Pretend to Work” Spaces

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College libraries have always been paramount for providing students with resources needed to get through all-nighters filled with hours of procrastination and senseless scrolling through the deepest parts of Wikipedia. Strozier Library, for all its quirky open hours offers students a place to mindlessly scroll through Facebook, impulsively buy Starbucks cry silently in the basement. This is best exemplified in the rentable study rooms, where students can work like the billionaire CEO’s they dream of being but will never become in boardroom style cubbies for one to two hours. Now, however, these socializing chambers act as glorified movie theater birthday party rooms, hosting many brunches and Starbucks-sponsored banquets. In light of this recent movement, the library's staff has recently rebranded them as “Socialize and Pretend to Work” spaces.

“The other librarians and I have begun renting out study rooms to pregaming freshmen. It's pretty obvious when they're chugging vodka in their rooms on campus, so it makes sense to black out in a room on the third floor with no windows and a projector that only works half the time.,” explained receptionist Margaret Tome as she compiled board games and beer for the party in room 107G at 12:30 on a regular Wednesday. “We offer the rooms up to anyone willing to engage in the most social shenanigans possible, such as hosting something similar to Project X or hotboxing a room. One time, we tried hosting junior varsity Quidditch matches in one room, which  ended with the Quaffle breaking the projector and a Golden Snitch getting stuck up someone's nostril after they thought it would make them win their exam. Sometimes renters have weird accommodations for the rooms. For instance, some frats in particular demanded that we decorate the wall with tacky beer logos and chipped paint before they dare consider the place suitable for a party.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen all types of hooligans use a study room for everything but actual, pure work. Those darn Eggplant writers turn those spaces into EDM raves and gladiatorial combat rings every Sunday!” Complained an anonymous, jealous nerd who wished he was invited to their weekly Strozier Sunday Slams. “No one knows what happens during their creative process, but I heard that they cover the room wall to wall with eggplant chunks when they finish. It’s horrifying and squishy. Some say you can even press your nose to any study room in Strozier and smell the foul, savory musk of misidentified fruits and satire.”

While the faculty at Strozier Library refuse to assert whether or not students desecrate the walls of their work environments with giant dicks written with expo markers, they were able to confirm the magic that goes into booking study spaces is fueled solely by library-based tomfoolery, caffeine induced panics and the blood of anyone who questions why you aren't actually doing works. Rest assured, the valiant journalists of The Eggplant FSU will continue to fuck around in the study rooms with back-to-back bookings to keep anyone who actually really needs the full-wall whiteboards away from any productivity by using that sweet, sweet university internet to play Poptropica for ungodly amounts of hours.

The Eggplant FSU