Shitting Without the Shower On and 9 Other Signs Your Suitemate Might Actually Be a Demon

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There are certain inevitabilities with sharing a bathroom with a suitemate: you’re always expecting to be locked out, counting down the days until they’re going to have painfully audible shower sex or even finding them passed out with physics defying vomit. You rarely see them (if you see them at all) and in all honestly, it’s better that way anyway. However, every once in a while you have a stinking suspicion that they've either never lived by themselves or got possessed by the most unsanitary demon to ever exist. Here are nine signs that indicate that your suitemate might need an exorcism:

1. Taking an explosive shit without the shower on

We get it, everyone shits. It’s a natural human tendency (unless you’re Kim Jong-un) but hearing a series of farts that are immediately followed by a  plop! is a chilling sound that nobody should ever have to hear from 11 feet away.

2. Replacing the toilet paper roll “under”

There are two types of people in the world: those who orient the toilet paper outward and those who are wrong. Who the hell actually wants the toilet paper to touch the wall? It’s just plain gross.

3. Despite no one showering, the bathroom has a consistent humidity

Honestly, this just may be because there is almost no ventilation in the bathrooms. It's kind of like if Satan’s butt crack and Floridian summers was

4. Not replacing the roll of toilet paper even though it’s on the last godforsaken ply

There’s no other moment that you dread more than unleashing the flood gates only to put your hands on the roll and for there to only be one fucking sheet left. C’mon, only soulless heathens would commit such a sacrilegious act.

5. The daily chorus of loogies getting dislodged

There’s nothing more appetizing than a continuous HRHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGHK to jump start your day.

6. The hair in the drain seems to be breathing

No, it’s not cute like the Sootballs from Spirited Away. t looks like the nasty pasta your aunt burns whenever she tries to "make you a home cooked meal." Will she ever learn to add water and maybe even a pinch or two of salt? Probably not.

7. Ambient demonic musings that can be heard the other room

It’s like that trend of music being edited to sound like it’s coming from a different room except this sounds like it’s being played from a dungeon with robed figures. But the gag is, you definitely remember seeing your suitemate iron his linen robes the other night.

8. A strange and ominous red glow from their room

The first couple of times you can just shrug it off – they might be really into fluorescent light vibes. If there is a consistent ember-like glow, it may or may not be worrisome.

9. A vague scent of feral pigs blood

Let’s just hope that it’s just kool-aid.

10. A bloody pentagram consisting of used tampons

I don’t know about you, but at this point I think you should really talk to your RA and ask about how to move out. Salley Hall may be scary as shit, but at least black mold doesn't try to summon Lucifer once a month.

The Eggplant FSU