iClicker & the Juul Team Up to Create the iCuul, Aiming to Make College Students Addicted to Class Attendance
What’s that cucumbery-fresh aroma you detect on this fine Friday morning, you ask? That would be the sweet smell of success with, of course, the tiniest dash of permanent damage to your lungs. Thanks to the completely unethical pharma bros behind the brand new iCuul, the odor you used to associate with the puke-stained backseat of an Uber and drunken regret will now be associated with college diplomas and crowded auditoriums in the A.M. This magnificent drug brilliantly combines the iClicker you purchased freshman year for Baby Bio, and the Juul you scooped up from the beer-soaked floor of Clyde’s. The unavoidable nicotine addiction most college students are currently experiencing is now replaced with an addiction to getting their ass to class! After all, you can’t spell “Addicted” without an A.
“Why should these students sacrifice a head-high for a high attendance score when they can have both?” Asks the Current DFO, a.k.a. Dank Financial Officer, Leopold Kingsley, while pulling on his ear and draining the common sense scented vapors from his brain. “This decision was a good cover-our-ass move. In creating the iCuul, we no longer have school boards or parents busting our butts about over-selling their children powerfully toxic vaping devices. Now everyone’s happy! We combine the mechanics of logging a student’s attendance with inhaling those sweet, sweet carcinogens. Attendance has never been so addictive, especially now with our exclusive line of iCuul pod flavors like Expo Marker, Teacher’s Apple and Vodka Cran Vomit Morning Breathe.”
“Before the iCuul, I wasn’t even aware I had an 8 a.m. Of course I’m the first one in my seat now that I actually have a reason to go!” Senior Gwen Hilton proclaims as she takes a wicked puff from her iCuul and expertly blows out a cloud of vapor that forms the words “Rise N’ Grind” in the air. “My favorite part of the class is hitting that nicotine machine three times to signify 'C' for a clicker question. Even when my class doesn’t meet that day, I’ll have sudden urges to race over to HCB and hit my iCuul. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to have an asthma attack, but I just take a deeper hit and pretend it's my inhaler's albuterol to clear up my lungs. It’s not a problem, though. I can quit going to class whenever I want. I have it all under control.”
Studies have shown a large increase in class attendance rates on college campuses across the country since the release of the iCuul, as well as higher enrollment rates at rehabilitation centers closest to college campuses. It appears that parents and teachers alike have no problem with the new device, and why should they? With its launch, class attendance has never been so high and, as the tagline goes, “Class has never been so Cuul!”.