Late Student Establishes Dominance by Sitting in Front Row of Lecture Hall

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The students and professor of PBJ1105 — “Intro to Sandwich Making and Crust Cutting” — are well aware that a certain Ms. Jill Carson is not to be crossed. Lecture students don't fear her because of the way she menacingly sips her 300-degree coffee through a plastic straw or because she wears vintage sweaters in this merciless heat; no, they fear her because she’s afraid of precisely nothing. Walking into class 50 minutes late, she ceremoniously looks the professor right in the eye as she flops into the middle seat in the immediate front row and rips an intense cucumber hit from her vape. Carson has established enough animalistic dominance to make any sane person shiver.

“Sometimes, Jill whispers softly in parseltongue as she ominously glides down the aisle. I’ll be in the midst of explaining how to properly spread jelly across a beautifully smooth slice of white bread when suddenly this girl — this consistently tardy force of nature — stares directly into my very soul,” whispered Professor Jiffy, glancing over his shoulder as he feared for his safety from the troubling student, whom he’s pretty sure has a voodoo doll of him in her Kanken. “I've heard legends of overworked students feeling no sort of pain or healthy embarrassment. It wasn't until this unholy, godless girl strolled up to the front and center seat about eight minutes before the end of class with a written 'excuse' saying she ‘didn't want to come here tbh' that I finally understood the gravitas of the situation.”

“Jill is truly something else. I tried to reach over and ask her if she had last night’s homework, and her neck swiveled like a common barn owl,” remarked Skippy Welch while folding a fluffernutter into an elaborate swan shape for an extra credit assignment. “Her hair has this wispy flow when it sways. It’s ethereal... in a spooky way that I can’t quite explain. It reminds me a lot of the Dementor smoke in Harry Potter, only she incites fear in 300 people in HCB instead of the entire city of London. Both are equally spooky if you ask me.” When inquired about what exactly gave Carson the horrifying qualities of death itself, there was a piercing moan and Welch’s line suddenly cut out.

There are currently dozens of exorcists, clergymen and physiology majors hard at work outside the classroom in an attempt to expel Carson’s wicked black magic from the lecture hall. Judging by the swirling clouds and blood-curdling screams, we have reason to believe that the resistance is futile and her reign as the supreme seat-stealer of Florida State University will continue for the foreseeable future. We at The Eggplant FSU humbly welcome the new dark overlord and hope PBJ1105 can continue to function under her sleepy rule. All hail the Tired Queen!

The Eggplant FSU