Student Mad About Roommate Wanting to Sacrifice Them, Among Other Topics Forgotten to Discuss During Roommate Agreement

For the students of FSU, October is the time to get spooky with pumpkin socks that have been out of style since 2011, enjoy the marginal difference in the insufferable heat and, most importantly, reconsider the depth of their relationship with their roommate. From a roommate’s audacity to leave a naked toilet paper tube on the holder to shoving questionable jams and sandwiches on the wrong side of the fridge, it's pretty obvious why everyone on campus is slowly formulating well-planned coup d'etats as they attempt to once again reclaim their homes. But for Deviney Hall Resident Wallace Hell-Scream Johnson, things began to escalate for the worst after his failed endeavor to sacrifice his roommate to eldritch beings from other dimensions.

“I thought we worked everything out! I specified stuff like his friends who sleep over are not allowed to sleep on my bed, but did I really have to address that I'm not a suitable candidate for sacrifice?” Grumbled Jonathan Complaininson, partially devoured as he stood before the blood circle that nearly ejected his mortal soul out of his body and into the clutches of the netherworld. “We had some fights before this, of course. Only six of the twenty involved traditional trial by combat. The rest we solved like civil, rational college students by talking mad trash about each other to everyone on our  floor and making passive aggressive comments when we pass each other to the bathroom. We still haven't even talked to our RA about him using my toothpaste to brush his pet demon's teeth.”

“All I wanna do is commune with the farthest realms by trading mortal beings for forbidden knowledge. The distant beings of gloom have invited me to turn the heck up and I don't plan to refuse,” argued Hellscream-Johnson after crab-walking down the hallway like the girl from The Exorcist. “I have rights! Thrasher From The Deep needs sustenance! Why can’t I present my peers to otherworldly beings in exchange for power beyond my wildest fantasies? Those forbidden powers would actually have authority unlike the leadership position I have in my Squirrel Watching Club. I just bring discounted candy and one hundred calorie snacks to the functions, but ‘Head Chair of Refreshment and Nourishment’ sounds so lovely on my résumé.”

Since the seizure of his warlock magic, Wallace and his roommate have amended their agreement to prohibit any and all non-previously discussed sacrifices in the room. Now, Hellscream-Johnson prefers smaller, less protestable acts to piss off his roommate, including the sacrificing of small rodents exclusively on his side or inviting cultist friends over for  Cookies and Demonic Chanting nights. While the First Overseer of The Void Thrasher remains somewhat more ravenous without his daily intake of students' souls, the demonology major has assured the university and the media that he is placating his hunger as best he can.

The Eggplant FSU