It’s October 30 and Your Roommate Is Wondering If You Guys Should Throw a Halloween Party

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Talloweekend – a quirky and unique combination of Tallahassee, Halloween and weekend – has reared its nasty little head around once again and you’ve managed to black out at the seven parties you hit "maybe" to on Facebook. For the love of god, even though it's October 30 and you don't want to stop your costume-filled bender any time soon, all signs are pointing to giving your body a break. You’ve finally mustered the energy to die in peace on your alcohol stained carpet when your roommate slaps you back to life with a kooky idea: what if you guys threw a Halloween party?

“We just need to hit the Dollar Store and buy a couple of festive, fun things to completely decorate this apartment that barely has chairs, lay down some newspaper for when people inevitably don’t make it to the bathroom to throw up and just have our passports ready in case everything goes to shit," said your roommate, Melanie Myers, as she smashed that "create event" button on Facebook so hard that the keys on her keyboard flew in every direction. "How hard could it be to get enough alcohol for like 200 people without a fake? If everyone sends me, like, $45 on Venmo to cover the costs of some artisan cinnamon brooms and those little plastic cups used for Jell-O shots, then we might just break even. I really want this to be the party of the season and I don’t care if it’s one day away. We’ve put people on the moon, so starting to plan a Halloween party the night before it happens isn't that unreasonable.”

“I don’t want people in my house touching my shit. I spent hours trying to find the perfect setting on my Glade plug-in and I just know that the smell of throw-up, poor decisions and failed hook-ups are going to come off way stronger than 'Cashmere Woods,'" you complained as you proceeded to shove everything of remote value in the house into a military-grade safe, including a copy of your Advanced Shakespeare textbook, an entire 12-pack of Charmin Ultra Strong toilet paper you’ve been hiding from your roommate and your Costco Gold Membership card. “Literally everyone I've spoken to already has plans for tomorrow, so we'd really be scraping the bottom of the barrel as far as guests who would be willing to come for more than 30 minutes to drink all of our alcohol and leave. It’s inevitably going to end with my apartment filled with people’s drunk boyfriends wandering into my bathroom to use my Bath and Body Works hand soap to get salsa off of their borderline- offensive Willie Taggart costumes. I’m having a conniption just thinking about it.”

The plans are tentative but the energy in here is permanently chaotic. This party has the potential to be the source of a stress-induced ulcer, the reason your monthly utility bill quadruples and/or your last chance at happiness before your seasonal affective disorder kicks into maximum overdrive. You think it’s a not-so-hot idea, but your roommate’s desire for approval from her peers is stronger than any argument you could ever make. Call your insurance company about upping your chaos coverage and buckle up because Talloween is a lawless wasteland coming to ruin any chance you had at a wine drunk scary movie marathon in your once cozy home.

The Eggplant FSU