It Should Be Getting Cold Soon and Your Mom Would Like an Update on the Weather Here

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‘Tis finally the season for students to exchange their Birkenstocks and Chubbies for some leggings and a “vintage” FSU sweatshirt purchased on Etsy because October is upon us once again, with both your grades and the temperature celebrating by going down on everyone. Of course, there’s the excitement of no longer having to fear from death via heat exhaustion from walking up Mt. Diffenbaugh, but no student’s joy over fall can match that of their mom's. As suburban mothers have been devouring the Halloween section at Hobby Lobby for the last 6 weeks, the least anyone can do is call to let them know how the weather is up here.

“My sciatica is acting up and your father nearly fell off a ladder again trying to hang that antique bird feeder Aunt Carol gave me for my birthday. Do you remember that? Oh, she was such a hoot at the party,” said Carol Bell on the phone with her son as she placed her violently unappetizing tuna casserole into the oven. “Are you sure we don’t need to ship you up the sweaters you were going to grab at Thanksgiving? Mark on the FSU Parents Facebook page used to work for the Weather Channel in 1995, and he said that it looks like it might be the coldest fall on record! And oh golly! What if it snows? You know what, I should just drive up right now to bring you some of those cute fuzzy socks I always get you at Marshall’s.” Noted Bell, apparently forgetting that it still heats up to at least 70 degrees by the end of the day."

“I get it, the weather’s nice. But the leaves only change to a subtle-but-crispy green and I’ll still manage to find ways to sweat in this Floridian version of a tundra,” said Kyle Bell, which by the pure amount of sweat he was exuding just from lifting popcorn into his mouth, was likely not an exaggeration. “I’m still going to wear shorts to class until at least January because I only own one pair of non-athletic pants. My mom is convinced that she’s going to have to dig my body out of torrential snowfall just because it’s finally cold enough to wear a sweater for half of the day. But if she’s not going to come up for a game and let dad take me to Publix to pick up a case of beer that all the cashiers know is being bought to enable my underage drinking, then what’s the point?”

Look, since escaping to the college at the highest point of Florida, it’s just been her, dad and the dog; she can only get so much joy out of forcing Benson B. Beaglestein into a lobster costume at Halloween. So, please humor her when she asks if the weather’s dipped into the 60s yet. It’s either that or watching her spam everyone's Facebook timelines with obscure pumpkin-based recipes from BuzzFeed, tips on how to escape your car in the case of a highway snow avalanche, and somewhat inspirational Minion memes. Choose wisely.

The Eggplant FSU