It’s That Time of Year! You’re Realizing the Friends You Made Studying Abroad Just Use You for Philanthropy Donations
It’s no secret that Florida State’s International Programs provide an excellent way to travel out of the country to foreign locations to meet new people from the same city to do the same things! Also widely known are the feelings of separation anxiety, Campari withdrawals and vicious jet lag from their Around the World In 80 Days-styled drug bender, but hey, it’ll all make a good story in a couple of years, right? What many are unaware of, however, is that these students return to campus having to confront the harsh reality that their highly-valued “You Bitches Can’t Even Spell ‘Prague’” group chat is just a sham and Gigi from la discoteca is just keeping them around for her sorority’s Philanthropy donations.
“When Bella Anne Howard first suggested we grab a bite to eat and catch up at her sorority’s 'The Only Thing Hotter Than A Delta Pi In Lululemons' buffalo wing event, I didn’t think anything of it,” lamented Susie Jensen while violently smashing a “Maybe” under a “Thicc or Treat for Unicef” Facebook event. “We were inseparable from the moment we assisted each other in making it look like our asses were holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa, but now she only helps me to ensure that foster children find stable homes through double-digit venmo requests. It’s obvious I was never really her friend, just someone with large enough pockets to jet to Switzerland with on the weekends, eat meals in France that cost $215.55 per credit hour and keep her sorority afloat through fulfilling a strange series of 'Can I Venmo Request You $40 Just For Funsies?' polls on Instagram!”
“That's just what everyone in our chapter does on those six-week long excursions to see the Big Ben in the distance: we recruit young women to study abroad specifically to target the big spenders and unwitting proponents of Westernized global capitalism,” hollered Phoebe Michaelson, the currently reigning president of "Girls with Philanthropic Goals", as she adds the finishing touches on her GoFundMe page for a new iPhone XS after shattering her old one at The Strip. “Our ideal victim is someone looking for that quintessential 'Eat Pray Love' experience. Whatever suckers we rope into believing that the cigarette and wine dinner we shared on the balcony of the Enoteca Pinchiorri was genuine should feel relieved that the fake friendship is going towards a good cause. Besides, I’m really banking on this charity work to eventually cancel out all of my debaucheries from the past three years. It’s like the sustainable development initiatives of like, Hilton or whatever.
While students come back from their days under the Tuscan sun delightfully freckle-faced and blessed with a rich, golden tan, most will realize they have fallen victim to at least one of these common assaults. To those who are currently coming to this realization, it’s vital to remember you might be able to say “who needs that bitch?” in two languages now. Make sure to keep those Venmo notifications off and never forget the memories of la vita bella! After all, every act of philanthropy tries to be positive, some are just a bit more genuine than others.