There are only so many times in the course of history when a person with world-changing wisdom and the eloquence to spread it graces us mere mortals with their presence. Recently, one small community has found itself at the epicenter of a modern Enlightenment. The rural town of Tiberias, GA discovered they had a selectman among them when, early Sunday morning, local 15-year-old Matthew Breight was heard pontificating to his friends after church, “You know, if you piss after having sex, it keeps you from getting a UTI?”
The revelation of what could be the most consequential discovery in medicine since penicillin was dwarfed only by the communities excitement in the rise of a modern Socrates amongst them. Expectant mothers began to line up at the Breight household to ask for the young seer’s blessing, intellectuals from surrounding cities made pilgrimage for a chance to study under him and several prestigious universities have extended offers of admission.
“Psssh, well yeah,” eloquated Breight, when asked if his epiphany came from divine inspiration. “I’ve had sex, like, a bunch of times, so you know, it just came from experience. Girls really like my… sexing ability, cause I’m so good at it, yeah?”
Residents of the township are enjoying not just the increased publicity for the town, but also their role in such a momentous period in history. Friends and neighbors of the Breight family have gone to Matthew to remind him how much they taught him as a child, and how it took the whole village to raise this Voltaire. Some of his schoolmates, however, have become jealous of their bud’s sudden attention.
“I’m pretty sure I told him that,” other hormone-charged 10th grader, Luke Roman asserted. “Plus, I’ve done it way more times that he has. My girlfriend even lets me do… ᵇᵘᵗᵗ ˢᵗᵘᶠᶠ on her. Matt’s just taking credit for the stuff we taught him on the six hour bus ride to our band competition show. Now he’s going around proclaiming them as his new missiles from on high, like how masturbating makes your dick longer and touching someone’s belly button for more than eight seconds is legally assault.”