Movie lovers across the nation are taking pompous Rotten Tomatoes critiques way too seriously and coughing up $12.78 for momentary relief from their terrible lives. To add to the magic of the theater, patrons generally consume enough popcorn during the previews to spend the entire rest of the movie giving their tongue a workout. Even the FSU film school aficionados rated “The Emoji Movie” 5 stars because it provides the perfect 90-minute slot for battling the crunched up kernel stuffed between your gums with no success, leaving viewers to deal with the aftermath in the car ride home long after their comically large popcorn bucket is empty.
“Film is not for the weak of mind, and Orville Redenbacher is not for the weak of gums,” shared film school reject Sophomore James Hitchcock before reciting the Ezekiel 25:17 scene from “Pulp Fiction,” which no one asked for. “‘Batman Begins’ has a 2 hour and 20 minute run-time and Christian Bale’s husky voice really makes my salt cravings skyrocket, so you can only imagine how quickly I get through my popcorn,” Hitchcock added, taking time to floss in between sentences with the help of a loose thread from his cardigan. “Scraping out the kernels used to feel like a chore, but I’m not modest enough to pretend like I’m not some sort of a master at this point.”
“Dedicating hours to watching films revolving around hot-button, controversial topics like sexualized sea creatures and competitive ice skating drama isn’t necessarily for everyone,” snarled Senior Leah Farquaad, who refuses to sit through any movie longer than the time it takes for her smoke detector to shut off after a failed attempt at “movie theater butter” from her home microwave. “The shorter the movie, the less chance I have of provoking my root canal with my inevitable snack consumption. Also, my dentist is concerned about my rapidly swelling gums. They nearly doubled in size last month, and that was only after getting through the first half of ‘Titanic.’ I didn’t even make it to the iceberg.”
While most attend movies solely for the sweet pleasure of finally removing a stuck kernel from bloody, merciful gums, others see it as a great way to beef up their one party skill of spitting dialogue from Best Picture winners. Despite inner most intentions, we can all agree that these pesky little kernels promote swole tongue muscles necessary for middle school make-out sessions in which boys hesitate to even put their arm around the girl that once said “bless you” after they clearly coughed. Regardless of your stance on cinema, many would agree that there’s nothing salty about that.