Rude Friend Claims None of These Selfies Look Like Real, Hideous You

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After sweet and nice friend Angela got a new ombré done this weekend, she put on her only scarf and went into the selfie lab: a dirty old mirror on her floor that she found on the street and hasn’t had time to hang up. Angela was hitting all the angles. Angela was looking good in that environmentally conscious LED ceiling fan light. She needed this. “I am the forbidden spice girl. I am Cleopatra’s hotter niece. I have never been more fuckable,” thought Angela. That’s when Darlene arrived. 
“Knock knock! Everyone lock up your butt plugs and entire bulbs of roasted garlic ‘cause Darlene’s in the motherfucking buildiiiiiing!” announced Darlene, kicking the front door open and flinging her shoes off into the TV. “Angela! Angela where’d you go? Are you teaching underprivileged children math via skype again? I’m coming up you nasty freak!” said Darlene, bounding three at a time up the stairs to Angela’s bedroom. 

When Darlene burst into the room, Angela was glowing. Darlene snatched the phone from Angela’s hand and began circling the room like a shark. “Oh my god she looks amazing!” said Darlene, swiping through Angela’s last tethers of confidence. “Who is this?” Angela smiled and told her she just took them and Darlene laughed and plunged a knife into Angela’s new bedsheets. “These look nothing like you, oh my goodness! You should take more realistic selfies; maybe cover yourself in brown goo and hide? Why can’t I see your whole taint in this? You wouldn’t want people thinking you love yourself,” snarled Darlene. “You look like a totally different person!” Then Darlene raised her leg high in the air and brought it down hard on the middle of Angela’s desk, snapping it in half as its content fell to the floor. 

“Please don’t break my stuff but if that’s what you need I support you. Can I have my phone back?” At this request, Darlene threw a molotov cocktail into Angela’s closet and set all of her clothes on fire. “I took care of that vet bill for Gumbo by the way. You don’t have to worry, she’s gonna make it. Oh, do you want anything to eat before we go out?” asked Angela just before Darlene bit into her ankles with dagger-sharp teeth. “I mean, who is this even? You can’t post these,” said Darlene with a voice steadily growing deeper and more metallic. Darlene’s bones began to crack and shift under her skin as Angela put some cute new socks on over her bleeding ankles. 

The Uber Angela ordered pulled up to the house. Darlene’s leathery wings unfurled completely and began to flap, knocking over the urn containing the ashes of Angela’s dear meemaw. She grasped Angela by the nape of her neck with a mighty claw, screeching, “TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. UNRECOGNIZABLE. IS THIS YOUR ONLY ANGLE?” With Angela firmly clutched, Darlene crashed through the living room window and took to the sky. “Sorry for bleeding on your car lol. I love you let me know if you need anything,” Angela typed to her Uber just before taking her last breath. 

The Eggplant FSU