Barista Absolutely Knows You’re on a Tinder Date
Everyone has met up with that One Promising Tinder Match™ for coffee at some point in their collegiate lives, and boy oh boy did your barista know about it. Remember, though the current administration doesn’t recognize service industry employees as people, they still have a shred of emotional intuition. No matter how casual the initial half hug is or how warmly you greet each other with coy, closed-mouth smiles, the person behind the register has seen it all.
“Yeah, my favorite part of Tinder dates is that they think no one else knows that it's a palpably awkward Tinder date. The nervous palm sweat covering a debit card when one of them tries to pay for the other’s drink is how I know I’m in for some sweet people watching. Mansplaining in response to ‘What’s good here?’ is also a pretty good sign,” said that one over eager Lucky Goat bartender who forces his coworkers to high five him every single time he does decent latte art. “Apparently, his dad makes money, so he told her he could buy her a bag of whole bean coffee and grind it up in his magic bullet, you know, if she wanted to go back to his place. His roommates aren’t home.”
“I always feel a little worried about meeting strangers from the internet, even if we do have 400 common connections and are Facebook friends, ourselves,” said avid noncommittal coffee grabber Lucille Gonzalez as she quickly unmatched the two baristas working that day. “But I would never want my barista to know that. I’m pretty sure that our series of accidental eye contact and my then visible effort to be more attentive to the person sitting across from me that looks nothing like their pictures throws them off my trail.”
Your barista knowing you’re on a Tinder date will be the least of your problems when that cold brew with whole milk hits your digestive system 30 minutes into your date explaining why business majors are actually the most selfless and giving of all majors. Coffee shits also double as the perfect excuse when you realize this is not going to be the FWB situation you were hoping for. No matter if this was your first or 50th time asking an almost-stranger where in SoFlo they’re from, just keep one thing in mind: there’s always Bumble.