Professor Still Riding the High From Syllabus Week’s “There’s the Door” Speech

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With a good mix of both scared freshman and second semester seniors waiting it out until graduation, it is reported that the MTV 1000 film basics class is still profoundly moved by their professor’s syllabus week sermon. Witnesses say that right after Professor Kadner dared students to skip a class or rate him without a hot chilly on Rate My Professor, he clenched his jaw and informed all “there’s the door,” with a stern index finger to let unmotivated students know this entry level class is like a battle in that only those who have seen “Saving Private Ryan” will survive. 

“I’m feeling pretty good about my role in this class right now,” shrugged Professor Kadner who stood strategically in front of his wall of awards, which consisted of a few local film festival participation ribbons and a framed screenshot of when a short film he put on YouTube hit 1,000 views. “I told them: ‘If you don’t eat, sleep and breathe this introductory, easy ‘A’ film class, then there’s the door. I’m serious. Get. Out,’” recited Kadner with a single vein pulsing through his forehead. After taking a second to compose himself, he shared, “If they are not willing to put blood, sweat and tears into writing a monthly 150 word discussion board post then they’re wasting their classmates’ time, they’re wasting their time and, most importantly, they’re wasting MY time.”

“No one has ever made me feel so passionate about mindlessly memorizing film terms,” expressed jaded senior Ford Roskowick, who once watched the movie “Trolls” without being forced to by a child under the age of six. “To be honest, I took this class because I thought we would just watch movies every week and I could use it as an excuse to get my girlfriend to come over, but now I think I might have a new career path in mansplaining ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ ahead of me thanks to Professor Kadner.” 

The university is proud to have staff like Kadner, as the graduate students they take advantage of aren’t typically as passionate about putting the fear of God into their students. President Thrasher credits Kadner for FSU’s latest jump in rankings, noting that intro film classes are the first thing US News looks at when arbitrarily deciding which school is going to be lucky #69 in the national rankings this year. Kadner continues making FSU proud as he is in the running to receive a Nobel Peace prize, for which he’s already written a fuming acceptance speech that will threaten attendees. 

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