As the Tallahassee weather begins to drop back into chilly bone territory with a chance of seasonal depression, frantic FSU students have been stuffing dollar bills into their thermostats because they don’t know any other way to turn up the heat. Forecasters have predicted a strong climate-change induced freeze to strike at midnight and continue until Republicans can grasp basic elementary climate science. Due to the extreme nature of the weather change, meteorologists and moms everywhere are strongly advising residents to get their affairs and student debts in order before dying of frosty lung.
Sophomore Cheeto Dursley, a notoriously sweaty sleeper and boy of ill judgment, slept without a comforter for the entirety of Fall semester and is woefully unprepared for another cold snap. “I mean I heard that it snowed in Tallahassee over winter break but I didn’t really make the connection that it would be cold in my bedroom or that I would need to own a pair of long pants,” Dursley noted, pausing to toss several bath towels onto his bed to create an insufficiently warm and scratchy nest. “It is just really unfortunate that winter is continuing to happen in Florida despite my Christmas ski retreat to snowy Colorado being over.”
Dursley recently accused his girlfriend and better half Natasha Boof of stealing the few measly blankets on his bed in the middle of the night. Not counting the airplane napkin he snatched from his ski-trip and the fitted sheet he uses as a throw so he can tuck his feet into the corners, the only other source of warmth in his bed is Boof herself.
“Is that what he said? The guy who wore flip-flops during the two weeks of cold, rainy despair before the holidays said I steal his blankets at night? I’m gonna kill him,” stated Boof as she knelt shivering in the fetal position next to the blow dryer she rigged as a space heater. “When we sleep at my place I have a fitted sheet, a top sheet, a comforter, a king-sized plush blanket and a wool quilt over us. At his place, I have to beg his bonehead roommate to let us borrow a loosely knitted afghan.”