Over the past month, statisticians have been puzzled by the sharp increase in subscribers to Moviepass, the service that has all of the film school students even hornier than “The Shape of Water.” Many ignored wild theories such as, “the app just recently debuted its new pricing model,” and “the app was invite only before,” and began hypothesizing about the underlying cause of the increase in sales. Some posed questions such as, “Was Captain Underpants: The First Ever Adventure just THAT good?” However, the world’s top mathematicians have recently confirmed that Moviepass sales may be correlated with everyone’s desperate need to escape our own dark realities.
“We surveyed 223 Americans, and asked them to rate their existential dread on a scale of 1-10, and over 97% answered 73/10,” said scientist, Teal Negrasse Dyson, while typing 58008 into an upside-down Casio calculator. “In our observational case studies, our researchers noted that people would stumble out of an AMC showing of ‘It’ with a dazed, peaceful grin, as if they had just escaped for two hours into a world far less terrifying than their own.”
“I’ve seen ‘Thor: Ragnarok’ 27 times in the past month,” said Florida State senior Alayna Aberforth, while crouching like a werewolf underneath the harsh light of the sun just outside of the Regal Cinemas. “I haven’t slept in over a month and the price of my birth control tripled last year; but when I’m in a showing of ‘Thor: Ragnarok,’ I feel like Thor’s big hammer and brawny thighs could protect me from anything, including nuclear weapons. When I can’t sleep, I imagine Chris Hemsworth cradling me like a baby in his big man arms.”
Given the current political climate, statisticians have estimated that Moviepass sales stand to continue increasing until January 20, 2021 at the least. On the bright side, while Moviepasses still don’t cover the seven dollars it takes to buy a soda, filling up a water cup with butter is still free, which means that spending an afternoon sipping butter from a straw and sobbing uncontrollably at Oprah’s performance in “A Wrinkle In Time” is completely justifiable.