With the buzz of the holidays wearing off and families dispersing to their respective towns, the backbone of every family is left behind to dust off the jars of seven year-old peppermints in the guest bathrooms. Grandparents across the nation are now reminiscing on the forced laughter and gifts shared during holiday festivities. They’re also keeping tabs on which shitty grandchild will forget to send in a ‘thank you’ note—and diligently adjusting their rankings accordingly.
“I’ve already refilled my pillbox twice since Christmas,” said Rosemary Peterson as she menacingly sharpened a crochet hook. “If I don’t have a card in my mailbox by the end of business tomorrow, that ungrateful little Steven drops two spots in my will.” Analysts predict that this development would make Steven the fourth ranked grandchild, only ahead of Katie who tragically denied a homemade brownie.
“I love the gift of 200 dollars in cold, hard cash Grammie got me for Christmas, but if we’re being honest right now, the 47 cents I have to spend on a stamp is coming right out of my well-deserved gift money like it’s a damn tax or something,” shared current first placeholder, Joseph, using a blue Sharpie to color over the ‘Happy Birthday’ message on a 5-month-old card he found at the bottom of his desk drawer. The college sophomore who can’t recall how to properly address a letter defended himself by stating, “I’m sure I would be in good standings even without a ‘thank you’ note. Afterall, I properly thanked her by taking her out to a lunch that she paid for and pretending to care about the details of her Friday night poker games. Grandparents love that type of stuff. You just stuff your mouth with a turkey club sandwich and nod when they talk about the 60s.”
Other grandchildren around the world have reported losing everything from a 12,000 dollar trust fund to their Grampie’s vintage Coke bottle cap collections in the ‘thank you’ note brackets of their predecessors. While many of them try passing off their lack of gratitude as a mistake by USPS losing the three-page handwritten letter they sent on Christmas day, others have no problem going down in their grandparents rankings if it means they can just send them a Facebook message from the comfort of their bed without going to this so-called “post office.”