A tale as old as time: you’ve spent hours putting in work to complete the study guide for your final, making flashcards and using the pack of highlighters your aunt bought you when you left for college. But the second you walk in the door, the kid who sat three seats away from you all semester gives you that look that says, “I haven’t carried a writing utensil with me since the seventh grade.” But this time, in his third consecutive year attending college, superstar student Logan Swife thought ahead and sent a mass email to all 413 of his HCB classmates to ensure somebody would be prepared enough to let him borrow a pencil for the upcoming exams.
“Usually I just show up with nothing but my Juul and hover board, hoping that someone will help me out and let me borrow a pencil so I don’t fail. Where am I even supposed to keep a pencil?” asked Swife as he flipped through a free Quizlet covering about one-third of the material. “It peeks out of my pocket slightly and that just doesn’t fit the sexy-Jesus look I’m going for. All that belongs in my pockets are my wallet, phone and a bunch of Magnums because I’m always getting sex-laid.* Anyways, I used the big brain I was so graciously blessed with to send out that email blast. Preparedness is the key to success.”
“I admire the effort, although I have to wonder why just bringing a pencil himself wasn’t an option,” admitted General Chemistry TA Brian Charter who also received the email but refuses to lend out the tiny golf pencils he stockpiles for evaluation forms because, like all TA’s, he’s a semi-professional mini golfer. “I mean, it takes way less effort to just bring a pencil to class than to write an email requesting someone else be prepared for both of them. It’s not even like it made a difference. He spent the first ten minutes of the exam sweating because he got a pencil but nobody had paper for him to borrow.”
Managing to scrape by with a C- (including the curve) on his exam, Swife realized that next time around he should also include an email requesting a sheet of paper since claiming to have gone “all green and paperless” proved to be an insufficient excuse. Thanks to a combined effort from classmates who are both kind-hearted and sick of letting Swife chew on their pen caps, a pack of Bic pens and wooden pencils were donated to Swife to prevent any further mass emails containing the words “Sup bitches.”
*Although intensely skeptical, the Eggplant was unable to independently verify whether Swife uses Magnums.