With the threat of Hurricane Irma looming on the horizon of Florida, Tallahassee citizens are wasting no time preparing for the storm’s arrival, and for the entire city’s power grid to fail after a single raindrop touches down. But as most students have begun stocking up on fruit snacks and canned soup that they will have no idea how to heat up, Dorman Hall RA Ian Garland is stuck reeling over a mind-boggling encounter during move-in a few weeks ago. Freshman resident Stuart “Superstar” Carson stumped Garland when he asked whether or not “a dog named Fish” was an acceptable dorm room pet.
“I can still hear his voice asking me that shit question, even now. It replays over and over again in my head,” admitted Garland as he hung personalized door decorations shaped like corn chips dipped in salsa, because nothing is sacred. “My training to become an RA included icebreaker drills at dawn and cookie platter arrangement practices at dusk. It was intense, exhaustive and extremely explicit in what I should do if (when) I find people boning in the hallway. But NOTHING could have prepared me for Stuart’s devastating witticism, or how ugly his dog was.”
After skipping his first week of classes to review “The RA’s Guide to the Galaxy” and subsequently being dropped from said classes, Garland came up short on any resolution to the riddle of that tricky freshman minx. Left with no other option, Garland granted Carson permission to keep his purebred, uncertified emotional support rat dog lodged in his self-proclaimed ‘man cave’ littered with free drawstring backpacks and dirty underwear that won’t be washed until his mom visits for parents’ weekend.
“I didn’t think this would happen. I just wanted to get one good wisecrack in to be likable. Now I have to take care of my 14-year-old dog AND be the funniest guy in my dorm. Luckily I mastered Nintendogs on DS, so I think I have that part under control,” stated Carson with his back to Fish, who had trotted out of Dorman and straight into oncoming traffic. “Everyone expects me to make them laugh now, ESPECIALLY the ladies. But you see, dogs and ladies are pretty similar. It’s all mind games with them,” he explained while sounding like a rejected Louis CK standup bit. “I watch a lot of Rick and Morty, so I can pretty much control anyone or anything with the power of my big boy TV brain.”