Small Business Win! Campus Drug Dealer Now Accepting Pocket Points
With the economy vaguely being the way it is these days, college students everywhere are looking to save money on everything from food and rent to textbooks and stolen answer keys. Many students, however, lament in the unyielding prices of the various vices available to FSU students. There has been no rest for the wasted, as economic adversity cyclically increases dependence on illicit substances and keeps demand and, by extension, prices high. One campus vender — nay, hero — has taken steps to ease this burden on the consumer and started offering coupons on popular student app Pocket Points.
“I’m just looking out for the little guy!” stated economics student and actual person (unless you’re the cops) Wayne Greene. “In this uncertain time, it’s important to offer people an affordable product and attract customers, rather than give in to the call of demand-side pressures. It’s like, if you can get a large two-topping pizza from Domino’s for $5.99, why can’t you get a G for $4.20? If kids can stay off their phones during class long enough to pay attention, they deserve a break when they pay for that sweet ganja, baby.”
FSUPD has been surprisingly lax with the sudden influx of the Devil’s lettuce. “Look,” said narcotics officer Bruce Luza as he wiped down his aviator sunglasses with a rag embroidered with ‘I h8 crime.’ “We’ve got a Category 5 hurricane coming our way and we have way more important things to worry about right now. I have officers working ‘round the clock getting ready. Those meme Facebook event pages won’t make themselves. We are taking full advantage of this opportunity to win back students, considering we took all their drugs away.”
Pocket Points™ was reluctant to approve the application of naughty, naughty reefer boy to market using their app, but after really considering the service he was bringing to the student body and employing the traditionally millennial ‘ah, fuck it’ attitude, they decided to let him go through with it. The discounts currently being offered include 20% off of roaches, one (1) free edible with a purchase of $30 or more and one sale where he doesn’t hang out on your couch for three hours and awkwardly flirt with your girlfriend right in front of you.