Thousands of disappointed sorority hopefuls ran home last week to their sad, overpriced apartments at their safety schools instead of the exclusive, overpriced mansions of their dreams. While they were busy blaming their rejection on that time they cut their own bangs in sixth grade, their friends from back home made sure to share how honored and blessed they are to have been accepted to top-tier institutions without you. Among them is that girl from your hometown who gets paid to post pictures of her hair on Instagram, Kylie Luxe, who just joined the sorority that dropped you on day one of rush week at the ivy league university that burned your application essay about your dog running away.
Luxe, who had been welcomed with open, perfectly toned arms to the two institutions that looked you up and down and immediately said “no thanks, we’re good,” shared a piece of advice. “All the 3 AM shifts at Pita Pita to afford your dues are worth it. Especially when you take in the view from your mansion as your gardener plants poinsettias that will get trampled by a stampede of wedges within the next twenty-four hours,” Luxe explained as she took a picture with a Sugar Bear hair supplement bottle, hashtagged “ad” then promptly threw it in the trash. “Every peach colored tank top I get ‘for free’ with my ivy league school’s name AND my top-tier sorority’s name on it reminds me that I wouldn’t be here without a little bit of fake tan and some good ol’ Adderall snorting in my high school’s bathroom before the SAT.”
“My great grandmother didn’t push through the endless sexism at her dream university 118 years ago for me to end up getting rejected. I let down three generations of Fineberg women who excelled as students and sorority women there,” shared devastated Dean’s list student, Camp Kesem counselor and Relay for Life captain Joanna Fineberg. “All I’ve ever wanted was to pay an obscene amount of money to share a full sized bed and a single piece of dental floss with three of my sorority sisters and their purebred Yorkies. You just don’t find sisterhood bonding like that anywhere else. Now I’m just a good for nothing, normal woman excelling at an equally great institution with the pressure of outdated tradition bumming me out.”
Lucky for Fineberg, all of those debilitating and destructive blows to her self-esteem weren’t for nothing. If sorority rush and university admissions didn’t have the arbitrary standards they do, students wouldn’t be prepared for all the rejection they’ll face after college just trying to get a job. Stick that in your panhellenic pipe and smoke it!