Discussion-Based Class To Finally Unclench Buttholes After Three Week Mark

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As we settle back into the Fall semester after having to restart school all over again, the pressure is on to spend every weeknight at Recess, mildly disappoint your parents and do your best impression of a student who actually did the reading. But for those in Introduction to Gender Studies, the three week mark means the lifting of a collective weight as the entire class can finally physically unclench their buttholes and breathe a sigh of extreme relief.

“I haven’t felt that much alleviated pressure since I told my parents I’m not going to be a doctor. It was like Up but with my butt instead of the balloons. It feels amazing knowing that I don’t have to mumble ‘I agree’ after whoever said more than five words,” said sophomore Art History major Jessica Wilcher, referencing her “Sex Roles in Cross Cultural Perspective” class and not her boyfriend’s weird kink. “I’m just glad I can finally sit on something other than one of those inflatable ass donuts taped to a feather bean bag chair when I get home from class. But I’m gonna save all of the Preparation H wipes I bought for next semester.”

“I’m hurt, shocked and deeply offended that these supposed ‘college level’ students couldn’t fathom discussing the moral and ethical implications of The Iliad,” noted Professor John G. Hartas as the stick up his ass visibly grew in diameter. “Back in my day we actually liked reading academic journals full of theory and ideologies that question everything we were previously taught to understand. These kids just don’t know how therapeutic it can be to answer my esoteric questions about rhetorical strategy and discuss how a chair could actually be a tomato because language is arbitrary and sitting on tomatoes is an underrated activity,” he continued before mentioning his Ph.D for the fifth time in three minutes as he flicked a speck of dust off of his tweed jacket.

Although the bodily distress from the situation has subsided for now, freedom isn’t exactly within reach. Yoga attendance has spiked as a group project reportedly looms in the distance, not to mention that a majority of the class will likely have to prove that they’re analytical, thorough and capable of forming some semblance of original thought to earn a college degree. But at least they won’t have to raise their hand for a couple months, right?