Freshman Hits Gravity Bong for First Time, Goes Home Immediately

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Tad Gomez was thrilled to let his hair down this weekend as he reportedly received upwards of three Facebook invites from two enigmatic Tinder matches and one guy he met during the ghost tour at orientation. However, things took an unfortunate turn on Friday night at Danielle’s Jose Cuervo and A Lot of Regrets Waltz when Gomez was caught between a gravity bong and a hard place.

“I smoked a Camel Crush once in high school, so I thought I was mentally prepared when Danielle offered me a hit of the geeb that she made out of an empty 2 liter kombucha bottle,” stated a shaking Gomez while his mom chewed up his dinner for him and then vomited it baby-bird style into his mouth. “But as soon as I inhaled, I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Time stopped and I had to hold onto my head for the rest of the night to keep it from floating away from my body. Without saying anything to anyone, I walked out of the party, got into my 2 series BMW and didn’t stop until I reached Orange County.”

“I’m just glad my puddy schnookums is back where I can keep an eye on him,” said his mom before loudly licking her thumb and rubbing some tomato sauce off of the corner of Gomez’s mouth. “I had a feeling my little dinky doodle wasn’t going to be able to handle the ganja those kids were going to be bringing up from Miami, but a misguided geeb hit is exactly what I needed to drive him right back into my lonely arms. Plus, I knew my fuckin’ dweeb of a son couldn’t handle a hit of that magnitude.”

Gomez says he still plans on turning this semester into a W, but now more so in the sense that he will be taking a medical withdrawal and transferring to his local community college next semester. Eventually he plans to take over for his father, the CEO of Tropicana, make several million dollars through fraud and yell obscene remarks at Orlando Magic dancers from his season-long court side seat.