Results from the first stage of the French presidential election rolled in yesterday, an extreme relief to nervous European investment markets. The potential success of far-right nationalist Marine Le Pen, caused this event to gain serious traction in the American press, much to the dismay of people who are furious they have an extra political crisis to worry about. However, this news came to the delight of FSU freshman Labe Tillerschute, son of the wealthy snow globe manufacturing tycoon Deidra Tillerschute. Labe was active on Facebook during the Democratic Primary last year in an attempt to belittle his 153 Facebook friends for not adhering to a left-wing political philosophy he had only discovered recently. Those same friends reported seeing Tillerschute happier than ever last week when he condemned his LinkedIn connections for not more closely following major geopolitical events.
“Jesus, I haven’t felt this kind of rush since I spent 86 hours one week doing Advanced Bernie Delegate Calculus to show those neo-lib College Dems they didn’t quite know the real political system,” said Tillerschute, whose mother was always too busy collecting snow globes to love him. “I remember it now. The Facebook post was so long that it took them to another page instead of just dropping down. Oh, I wonder what mummy would say if she could have seen how many of my peers I made feel ignorant and useless for no reason. I am the god of the web.”
The dangers posed by a far-right France are plentiful and intimidating, but Tillerschute made no effort to conceal his erection while standing on a bench in the free speech zone on campus, berating passersby for not personally learning French to read Le Monde articles about the chances of centrist Emmanuel Macron. Tillerschute, whose mother once asked him to float away in a basket Moses-style, carried with him a sign that read, “I don’t care if you are working a full-time job and also taking care of children and elders in your family. I’m a college student, and if I have time to read about news that will likely only affect us indirectly, you do too, so Brûle en enfer.” The sign made several passersby feel bad, though they all had to admit they were impressed that despite the wordy and partially French sign, none of the letters were all shoved up over on one side. The crowd feeling overall was that it was a very neat poster.
“Oh I’ve never once seen him at a community protest,” said beloved local publisher and widely-liked smart person, Carona Akbucca. “Come to think of it, he has actually criticized every major organizing event in Tallahassee for not being comprehensive enough, but never even made one of his admittedly very neat signs to support anyone other than famed old white man Bernie Sanders. In fact, a woman named Deidra once called me to ask if I could organize an anti-Labe protest, and the only reason we didn’t was because turnout looked too big for the city’s infrastructure to handle.” Akbucca then went back to printing handouts detailing Le Pen’s harmful intentions to mimic Trump’s Muslim ban and figuring out the best way to say “Fuck Marine Le Pen” in French.