Everything You Can Do to Get Your Professor to Bump Your 37% to an A

Grades so low you're thinking of dropping out? Considering joining a multi-level marketing company and calling it a career because you have no options left? Try these fun, definitely-not-illegal tips instead and see if you can finish this semester with grades that will make your parents love you again.

1. Threaten a coup.

Use those annoying sublease posts on your FSU ‘Class of’ Facebook page to your advantage and trick a couple of desperate students into joining your student army. With a little luck and a couple of Saving Private Ryan quotes, you’ll either get expelled or pass with flying colors!

2. Take one for the team and get your friend with a peanut allergy to eat a PB&J before the final.

Although this may be considered voluntary manslaughter, if someone dies, everyone gets an A. Think of your classmates!

3. Drop your IQ as low as possible for this one, because you’ll need to argue that you've been treated "very unfairly" and that your grade is "fake news."

If the President of the United States can do it, you can, too!

4. Vouch for communism.

If the coup doesn’t work, visit your local Landis hippie and steal their copy of The Communist Manifesto to stage a peaceful protest. You’re in the same class, so you deserve the same grade, right?

5. Blackmail them with pictures of them blackout drunk at Bullwinkle’s.

Use your Snapchat story from that one night your professor tried to be ‘hip’ and ‘cool’ against them. Hijack the email of a James Bond fan fiction writer and watch Fight Club beforehand to really get in the zone.

6. Jeopardize their shot at tenure by writing a diss-track against them on their course evaluations.

This is pretty much the only thing professors care about other than tweed jackets, so make it count. If you don't sound like Remy Ma on Shether, you're doing it wrong.

7. Serenade them Say Anything style, except holding your laptop with Blackboard open instead of a boombox.

Get into character for this one, because you’ll need a questionably ugly brown jacket, a perm and enough courage to make your unsolicited presence known. Try this on a professor that you know watches the History Channel alone on a Saturday night for full effect.

8. Go on a long philosophical tangent convincing them that The Matrix was real so why not have them give you an A.

Bonus points for saying, in the lowest voice possible and pince-nez sunglasses you stole from the floor of a date function, “This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You give me an A - this ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You keep that 37% - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

9. Remind them of the non-existent time you contributed something valuable to a class discussion board.

Remember when you actually wrote something original instead of copying off of everyone else who already submitted comments? We don’t either! That’s why you reference a fake-deep metaphor from Twitter in a way that’s so convincing your professor thinks you wrote it! If it works, your professor will change your grade out of sheer gratitude that someone actually cares.

10. Get on your knees...

And pray, you freacc. What did you think I was going to say?! 

Good luck using these #relatable tips. Whatever happens, your grade can't possibly be lower than Trump's approval rating!

The Eggplant FSU