State Troopers Only Appear on the Highway to Inconvenience You, Personally

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With winter break well on it’s way, faculty and students can find mutual grief in the mere thought of driving hundreds of miles to be met by the mediocrity of highway patrol officers, who somehow only manifest when you think you’ll be on time for your little cousin’s sousaphone recital for once. It’s these chaotic wizards of time-space that ruin road trips faster than you can say, “This isn’t what happened in ‘Baby Driver.’”

“Highway patrol are generally the worst division of law enforcement— right after cops who target unarmed people of color and civilians with ‘Blue Lives Matter’ bumper stickers,” claimed freshman Eric Newmann, while fumbling with his phone to show photographic evidence of his encounter with Florida Mounties via his Snapchat story. “See? Here I am, going 90 on I-10, only car on the road. Then he’s just behind me! Strobing like a hazard-light street rave in a tow-away zone! I swear, he came out of nowhere. I was having a great time driving home, but now I have points on my license and I’m gonna be late for my dog’s birthday party.”  

Another haggard student managed to recount their last baffling run-in with the fuzz, pulling a ticket out of his wallet with a haphazard “GOTTEM” scribbled in the description. “The first time I got pulled over, I just assumed they’d meow at me. Y’know, like Super Troopers?” admitted fellow traffic violator Ricky Roberts, brooding behind his Ray Ban Aviators and fiddling with the toothpick in his mouth. “But instead they just asked to see my license and registration, then told me going 20 MPH over the speed limit down a hill with Venus in retrograde is an offense punishable by flogging. Then they gave me this ticket. I was spooked at first, but once I realized they were just screwing with me to waste my damn time, I decided I would never let them scare me like that again. That’s why I wear this leather jacket.”

With the onslaught of troopers appearing out of thin air and apprehending people who sing along a little too enthusiastically to Cher, drivers are nervous to even get behind the wheel. Travellers along the highway have taken extra precautions to avoid FHP this holiday season by learning spells from the public records of Salem, MA and purposefully getting flat tires in an attempt to slow themselves down and gain even a single ounce of sympathy from these silly-hat wearing crusaders.

The Eggplant FSU