Girl Stays at Party for Three Days Because She Never Learned How to Say Goodbye

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On Monday evening, three days after “ThE WorLD iS EndINg: La$T KeG PArtY” hosted by Malcolm Rockwell, Tiana Moore was found standing in Rockwell’s living room, nodding along to the music and smiling every time someone said something to her, even though she wasn’t listening. Moore had originally intended to leave before midnight on Friday, but kept incrementally justifying staying for another ten minutes so as not to have to say goodbye and receive comments like, “Nooo Tiana! You can’t leave now! We’re about to start flip cup!” and perhaps a jarringly stiff hug from the guy who kept hitting on her periodically throughout the night.

“All I can think about is when I can finally go home and put on matching sweaters with my cats and big spoon them while I read poetry by Kaveh Akbar,” said Moore as she took another fake sip of the warm vodka sprite she had poured herself three days ago and gazed longingly out of the window. “But the thought of telling Malcolm that I’m leaving and having him say something horrible like, ‘Already? Okay, see you later, Tiana! Thanks for coming!’ makes me quiver in my Converse.”

“Honestly, it’s just a testament to how fricking legendary a Malcolm Rockwell party really is,” stated Rockwell. He then gestured toward the framed pictures of Seth Rogen and James Franco on his wall and said, “My real dads would be so proud that the La$T KeG PArtY has lasted for three days, technically speaking.”

It was reported that late Monday night, while Rockwell was in the bathroom, Moore decided her only way out was to not say goodbye at all and made a break for it. However, she will have to postpone big spooning her cats until after she digs herself out of the academic hole she dug by not leaving the party before midnight. But for now, she’s just happy to be back home, where Sergeant Whiskers and Doctor Floof would never pressure her into playing flip cup.