With half of Fall semester already under their belts, students at Florida State are ready for the non-judgemental, warm embraces from proud Nole parents. That’s right, it’s Parents’ Weekend and folks from all over Florida are celebrating the long-standing tradition of taking a full day off work to drive across the state to tell their child how disappointing their kitchen is.
“After a few minutes of being questioned on why I’m wearing these shorts, I thought I was out of the woods with my mom’s passive aggressive comments,” shared a sullen sophomore, Miranda Lehne buying every brand of counter, dish and floor cleaner in Publix. “Later at dinner she joked to our waiter that she hoped the restauraunt’s kitchen was cleaner than my ‘unlivable hell hole.’ That’s when I knew the actual purpose of her seven hour drive,” Lehne explained searching for nearby hotels despite her mom’s initial plan to stay with her prior to a fainting spell induced by a coffee-stained mug left in the sink.
“I raised my children better than this,” explained FSU mom Deborah Lehne in a hazmat suit scrubbing her daughter’s produce with bleach. “My parents didn’t leave a poverty stricken, war-torn country for their grandchildren to live in this unsanitary death trap. Her bathroom is even worse. It looks like the one from that ‘Saw’ movie when the guy cuts off his own foot, but more disgusting. I don’t know how I could have let this happen. ”
Although a few students are unsure if they’ll have their childhood home to come back to after being disowned, many Noles are thrilled to show their parents a little slice of their college life despite being told how gross their kitchens are. Somehow, parents still haven’t commented on the sticky floors of the Strip that they begged to visit, but students are preparing for their next visit to a frat house bathroom to show them what unlivable conditions are really like.