The Eggplant’s Official November Horoscopes

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November has the potential to be a productive month, as it is one of your last chances to do literally any of the things you promised yourself you would at the beginning of the year. However, come November 24th, it is entirely possible that your parents will have psychologically beat out any self-confidence that you had built up since the semester started. To help you prepare for this and many of the other obstacles you will face during the holiday season, The Eggplant FSU has hired a full-time astrologer whose qualifications include drinking a lot of Sleepytime tea, pointing out the moon in the sky without even a telescope and being able to smoke an entire joint and only getting a little nervous.

Aries

November will be an exciting month for you, and not just because the lead up to finals gives you an excuse to be even angrier than usual. However, around the 20th of the month, Venus will move into the fifth house at about 6:07pm, which is almost 10 minutes later than she said she would, and her tardiness will send you into a rage that only thirty-five reps of deadlifts will cure.

Taurus

Thanksgiving dinner will be an amazing, tasty treat for you, sensitive Taurus, until your mother asks you to help her with the dishes, even though you already told her that you have plans to get drunk in the woods with your shitty friends from high school, at which point you will throw the nice China just slightly to the left of your mother’s head so that it shatters into a thousand tiny pieces and storm out the door.  

Gemini

You are thriving, Gemini! You spent your Halloweekend covered in head-to-toe in glitter and you just got a notification from Free People that your Suede Thigh High Boots have shipped! You will spend this month drinking festive drinks with your best friends and sucking the got damn marrow out of life! That is, of course, until you fall into a deep, inexplicable pit of despair during which you isolate all of your closest friends because you don’t have the emotional vocabulary to explain to them what you’re feeling.

Cancer

The start of the holiday season will be exhausting for you, Cancer. You’ll quickly run out of ways to dodge all those classic nagging questions from friends and family trying to pry into your personal life, asking things like, “I guess you decided to take a break from that diet you started?” and, “I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, but don’t you think it’s a little inappropriate for women to be directing super hero movies?” Use the blast of energy you’ll feel on the 17th when the moon enters Pisces with Neptune to finally call your therapist like your mom’s been telling you to do for weeks.

Leo

Halloween is over but you’re still ghosting people to make yourself feel more important.

Virgo

November will start off pleasant but will then turn to chaos as soon as you hit the first due date written in sharpie in your Passion Planner that was moved because of Irma and realize you're fresh out of white out. Don’t let that stop you, Virgo. You’ll reach your most powerful in the days leading up to Thanksgiving when you regain consciousness from a month’s worth of blacked out Pinterest-ing and bake seven different pies, each with a tedious and intricate design on the crust.  

Libra

As Thanksgiving approaches, you will begin to feel a tension in your upper back that won’t go away. That’s just your body gearing up to spend another holiday season holding your broken family life together at the seams, like a diplomatic little bottle of Elmer’s glue with high-functioning anxiety.

Scorpio

As always, Scorpio, you should really make a conscious effort to relax your grip on your pen and to also maybe call your daughter once in awhile haha.

Sagittarius

This is the perfect time of the year for you to get going on that stage play you’ve been promising yourself you would write all year. Luckily, a Tony-worthy idea will come to you out of nowhere on the 23rd when your mom gets drunk at Thanksgiving dinner and hurls the green bean casserole at your cheating father. When this happens, don’t be afraid to rely on your quick wit and sense of humor, which developed during similar Thanksgiving dinners in your childhood as a coping mechanism to de-escalate potentially life threatening situations, such as your mother carving the turkey with an electric knife after three bottles of pinot grigio.

Capricorn

This month, remember that all things start as a tiny stream and can eventually grow into a roaring river. This applies especially to your need to self-medicate every time your mom’s new boyfriend slaps her ass and takes a shot of Fireball at Thanksgiving dinner.

Aquarius

Get ready to spend another holiday season explaining to your parents why your choice to be vegan is backed by peer-reviewed scientific research and consoling your mom as she cries in the corner of the laundry room because you cut your beautiful, beautiful hair and dyed it that freaky liberal blue color. Your only escape will be saying that you have to run an errand, only to get in your car and drive a block away to the neighborhood park to smoke a cigarette.

Pisces

It’s your favorite time of the year, Pisces: Cuffing season. So follow that one guy who sits three rows behind you in Social Psych and ask him to your date function even though he keeps tweeting five-year-old quotes from “Arrested Development” with no context.