November is finally here and with it comes the smell of rotting gourds, a pilgrim’s promise and the beginning of the end for this season’s Greek life pledges. After a grueling two months of ill-fitting blazers, pastel ties and fruitless efforts to get a blow job from literally anyone warm-blooded, these fraternity hopefuls face the final test of loyalty and dedication: Hell Week. Traditionally a week of intense hazing and exchanging of bodily fluids, Hell Week has eternally bonded frat brothers from time immemorial. Unfortunately for brotherhood, public concern about hazing has forced universities to tell frats to “stop doing that pls.” Against all odds, the president of Phi Alpha Reductase Maxwell Grublesby announced that his fraternity would take a T-break from hazing by changing Hell Week to Heck Week.
“FSU made all university associated organizations complete a hazing education and prevention course and Maxwell took it really seriously,” complained Brother Brad, a boy of bouncy proportions. “Did you know that a standard drink is, like, not that much Skol? And more importantly, how am I going to be able to trust my new brothers if the extent of our initiation is toothpick bridge competitions and prank ordering boneless pizza from Papa Johns?”
“I think the new Heck Week is just great!” crooned Brother Jorge whilst knitting a tiny henley shirt for his egg baby. “I used to be filled with a vengefully horny spirit but now I’m just looking forward to Night 5 when we’ll take the pledges to dip their little toesies in Westcott Fountain. I’ve learned that the spirit of fraternity is so much more than nut taps and keg stands; it’s about the love.”
The new members of PhiAR will proudly display their letters through temporary tattoos and on fuzzy crew socks woven from organic hemp and family values, discarding the traditional Hanes cotton tees smeared with disdain and blood of the weak. The Pledges that emerge on the other side of Heck Week will be initiated into their fraternities as full-fledged brothers who will successfully postpone questions of self worth and accomplishment for the next 4 years.