After the release of Apple’s latest overpriced but still-worth-it-because-it’s-not-an-Android installment of the iPhone, brand loyal users everywhere are going nuts over features that scare everyone who believes in the A.I. Revolution. Among the features are a camera that picks up every dirt-filled pore on your face, the ability to turn yourself into a talking pig and facial recognition to avoid lifting a single precious finger to unlock your phone. Despite the overwhelming support for the iPhone X release, negative reviews have poured in complaining that rather than unlocking the phone, the iPhone X facial recognition elicits a notification from Siri claiming, “You look nothing like your profile picture on Tinder, you phony.”
“My parents never let me upgrade, so I was really stoked to finally have an iPhone that won’t be outdated at the time of purchase. But I can’t stop editing my Tinder profile to see if the feature will detect my face correctly,” stated sophomore Wallace Roth, who was deciding if a sketch artist rendering of his face is a suitable replacement for a photo of him at Providence Canyon. “At first I attributed my phone calling me a ‘preposterous Catfishing fraud’ to the same glitch that’s making all the ‘I’s look funky. Then it took me 18 attempts to unlock my phone when I got a match, and I knew the software was just designed to make me feel even less worthy of finding someone to hook up with this weekend.”
Roth isn’t the first person to experience this bug. Hundreds of thousands of Tinder bios have been updated in the past week asking if any other users have been called a “bootleg version” of themselves by their brand spankin’ new devices. As for the creators of the facial recognition software, no official statements have been released explaining why the apparently sentient device compares your face while laying in bed at 11 PM to your face drinking a liter of cider at Township after spending two hours getting your eyeliner to match.
“Honestly, people should just update their Tinder profiles every day. Then there won’t be any surprises when Apple refuses to let you make a 911 call because you’re not showing the camera your good side,” added giant dipshit Grandon Plum as he swiped left on every girl whose hair was above shoulder-length. “Just take a mirror selfie every morning before you leave, and make sure you’ve carefully trimmed your already terrible $4 haircut to the exact same length it was the day you took your Tinder picture. Bada bing, bada boom. You’re into your phone no problem. It’s just science, people! Maybe you’d learn about it if you weren’t looking at your phone screens all day!”