Three Women Knocked Toothless After “All I Want For Christmas” Plays at Bar

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The holiday season is rapidly approaching, making Christmas music more and more socially acceptable to listen to in public and crying alone in your car when you remember how terrible Christmas is now that your dad got remarried. In a gruesome turn of events at Bull’s All You Can Drink last night, three girls were rendered toothless in the wave of flying limbs that ensued after local DJ Isaac Campbell made the ill-informed decision to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas.”

“At first, it was the greatest euphoria I had ever felt. When we heard that first ‘IiiiiiIIIIIIIIII,’ my best friend and I made uninterrupted eye contact and screamed at such a high frequency that we shattered a nearby string of lights, but after completely blacking out for a few moments, I looked around and realized that there was blood everywhere,” said a shaking Audrey Owen, while being wrapped in a space blanket on the night of the incident. “In my state of pure bliss, I had punched my best friend directly in the face and she had elbowed me so hard that I lost three of the veneers my dad bought me when I graduated high school.”  

“Unfortunately, this is a very common occurrence around this time of year,” said Stan Greencastle of Greencastle Family Dental, as he polished a giant porcelain tooth in his office with a microfiber cloth that he specially ordered. “All I ask of my clients is that they search on the floor until they find their missing teeth and present them to me at their appointment so that I may use them for my collectio-, I mean research.”

So far, it has been reported that a total of three women were knocked toothless on the night of the incident, along with several close calls that resulted in bitten tongues. Doctor Greencastle has advised families to put mashed potatoes and cobbler on their Thanksgiving day menus, as the number of Mariah Carey related incidents is expected to increase in the coming weeks.

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