Frat Halloween Party Revealed to be Inspiration for “Jigsaw”

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Any time a new director comes onto the scene of a beloved halloween torture-porn franchise, the air is abuzz with hostility and the remnants of Donnie Wahlberg’s farts. How could they possibly surpass the pure art of a shotgun death carousel? Luckily, the Spierig Brothers recognized the truth: sometimes, misanthropic depravity isn’t found in the mind of a fictional cancer patient with a vendetta. Sometimes, misanthropic depravity is found in the spirit of ZBT that haunts FSU greek life, and what better setting to search for inspiration for the next installment of a movie with less than 50% on Rotten Tomatoes than Halloween at a frat party?

“It’s simple sociopathic geometry,”  according to Spierig Brother Number One as he eyed the piss-warm hunch punch in kitschy orange solo cups, drawing inspiration for his latest film. “One minute you’re taking your pledges out into the woods and beating the shit out of them in their quasi-explicit juice box costume, and the next you’re making people stick their hands in acid. It just makes sense.”

The Spierig Brothers were grasping at straws trying to find a way to top that scene where the guy cuts the skin off the back of his own neck. The answer came to them in a vodka fueled haze while on a road trip through the deep American south: to tour the campuses of some of the rowdiest colleges in America during the scariest time of the year. “So that’s why we’re here,” Spierig Brother Two made sure to explain as he wrote “snorting salt before a Patrón shot instead of licking it” on his list of torture techniques. “That’s how we ended up at Florida State. It might not be exactly the brand of heinous we need, but they keep wearing their cursed letters like some bullshit ouija board that summons a kegstand ghost.”

ATO Jimothy Chadwick seems to have taken offense to this, his agitation only serving to further the uncomfortable atmosphere that his “Pickle Rick” costume gives off. “You can’t compare this shit, man. So what if we buried our pledges neck-deep in front of the Capitol building and waterboarded them with PBR at the last halloween party? It’s not the same, man!” But despite their arguments, the Spierig Brothers continued to march on replacing the “Capitol” with “Grain Silo” and “PBR” with “Heavy Machinery.”

The Eggplant FSU