Woman Joins Haunted Circus to Avoid “Stranger Things” Spoilers

October 27th plopped entirely too much pop culture media onto our plates. The horny Mario game, the inexplicably controversial “Wolfenstein 2” and season 2 of the colossally popular Netflix original series “Stranger Things.” Grad student Raquelle Quincy, feeling overwhelmed by coursework and the pressure to participate in so many fan discourses, decided to dodge “Stranger Things” spoilers by joining a traveling circus.

The McKraken Family Traveling Circus was founded in 1689 by Thelonious McKraken and is operated to this day by the original family. “I ran to the circus because I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing screencaps of Mike, Dustin, Lucas and Will on Twitter. The McKraken family has been — interesting,” said Quincy while cleaning small bones out of a rotting barrel. “They’re as hospitable as they are terrifying. Godby McKraken runs the Guess Your Heart’s Weight booth and doesn’t have skin anymore. He’s a big meatman who shouts ‘HEAVY’ at everyone. Regina McKraken is the youngest member of the family at 124 years old. She shares her weed with me which is cool but she dips her joints in embalming fluid. It’s all pretty fucking weird and I vomit like nine times a day, but no one in this family has even heard a radio so I do feel very safe from ‘Stranger Things’ spoilers.”

There is no internet in the McKraken Family Traveling Circus due to the cloud of miasma that carries it from town to town. The only potential threat of spoilers Quincy faces in her new home is the wayward souls who attend the circus, but their mouths are sewn shut as the cost of entry.

Quincy is not the only employee of the Circus of Souls who joined to avoid television spoilers. Freddy Valencia joined in 2007 when he was getting an MFA and needed to avoid “Sopranos” spoilers. “I’m a spider wrangler now and I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” said Valencia with a mutant tarantula with human biceps perched on his shoulder. “The benefits are great. I can also admit to myself now that I wasn’t running from ‘Sopranos’ spoilers, but moreso running from a future of reading undergrad poetry about ankles and elbows. If I keep wrangling these enormous and gooey spiders for 50 more years, Thelonius promised to summon my dog from the dead. Raquelle will forget all about ‘Stranger Things’ soon.”

Since joining the circus, Quincy has slowly been forgotten by her friends and family. The photos on the staircase leading to her childhood bedroom have gone blank and when her roommates pass her room they see an empty black room emitting a slight chill. When the Quincy family gathers around the TV to watch “Stranger Things,” standing and hollering for the duration, they feel a presence just over their shoulders. For one second there’s a smell of hot oil and sugar in their minds and a vague ache of loss among them before Raquelle is forgotten forever, her unspoiled soul borne by the wake of time into endless nasty carnival shit. The family feels whole again as soon as they find out what happened to Eleven and see that sweet, sweet first glimpse of Chief Hopper in his big ‘ole hat.