Tallahassee boasts dozens of bars, clubs and restaurants to spice up your Friday night but none are as difficult to sneak into as Madison Social. The 21+ establishment makes it as hard as possible for underage students to slip through the cracks and blackout after three mixed drinks. We understand that of course the rules of the bar don’t apply to you, that would be silly, so here are some foolproof tips to get you into the hottest spot in Collegetown even if you’re a literal baby carrot.
1. Memorize the name, date of birth, and address listed on the fake I.D. your roommate found for you on the ground one time
The hardest part of getting the green light for a night filled with under-aged fun is remembering that for a few hours of your night you are Kate Greenfield from Melbourne, Florida born in 1994 and definitely not a small orange vegetable that pairs well with hummus. For true authenticity, have your frenemy punch you straight in the mouth to achieve Greenfield’s signature crooked smile.
2. Cover yourself in ranch dressing
Dress for success! Covering yourself in ranch dressing shows that you’re a confident carrot who knows how to flatter their figure with style. The ranch will act as both a confidence booster and conversation starter. It’s so distracting that you’ll be let right in!
3. Do not look the bouncer in the eye
Bouncers are trained to unlock the secrets of your soul by narrowing their focus on your body language. When you look them in the eyes, they will have the power to uncover your fears, hopes, dreams and most importantly your real age. For the best results, literally roll your eyes into the back of your head, but remember to note the bouncer’s location so you don’t bump into them on your way inside.
4. Avoid small talk about your time on the farm
Homesickness isn't sexy, even on a baby carrot. Talking about the farm you grew up on, organic or not, is a dead giveaway that grandpa and grandma carrot still have to sneak you veggie liquor under the table when Ma and Pa aren't looking. It’s a dead giveaway that you’re not only underage, but also not a person.
5. Show the bouncer what a ~juicy~ treat you are
If you’ve got it, flaunt it! Flash some skin to the shallow bouncer so they’ll want to do you favors because preferential treatment based on looks is a staple in the patriarchy that has a strong hold on our society. Don’t be afraid to show off them carrot tiddies, they’re a snack nobody can resist.
6. Have an actual 21 year old put you in their pocket
The best way to sneak into a bar is to make sure nobody ever sees you attempting to sneak into the bar. Hop into an actual 21 year old’s pocket, stay as still as possible and hold your breath until you feel the bass permeate your friend’s denim then pop out ready to party.
Follow these tips for a night that will guarantee you the incurable hangover from hell because you’re sloppy and unable to control yourself. Now go out and have some fun! But remember to make it home before the clock strikes midnight, or risk being turned into a pumpkin, which is a far less cute and accessible vegetable.