Last weekend, students with fake ID’s ranging in believability came to Recess for a night of partying, dancing and trying to not fall in the pool. While some achieve pure bliss out on the dance floor, others find meaning in vulnerably squatting over a public toilet while a girl they met 30 seconds ago watches them wipe front to back.
“We bonded in the bathroom line talking about our horoscope signs, but to my horror she followed me into the stall making herself at home right in front of my poorly shaven cat and the Hiny Hider brand bathroom door,” explained Recess patron and alleged granny panty wearer, Mandi Breakfield. “I thought the hardest part was going to be initially taking my pants off in front of a complete stranger. It was actually realizing she was still making direct eye contact with me as I used what I hope is a normal amount of toilet paper to dry leftover pee droplets, all while telling me about the time she considered buying a ferret but then didn’t.”
“The only reason I came in to the stall with Mandi was because I had to finish my story. I was right in the middle of explaining that my apartment complex has a rule against large dogs, but not small rodents. I don’t see what the big deal was with coming into the stall with her to watch her wipe. It’s not like last week when my friend Shelby was trying to sneak away to poop at Pots alone when I rounded up 5 ladies to come in and finish their vodka cranberries on the single-stall bathroom floor,” explained Alyssa Graham back in the bathroom line complimenting everyone’s shoes from under the stall doors. “After I silently judged Mandi for the amount of toilet paper she used, I had her wait for me as I went too. I took my tampon out while I told her in detail about the time my dad left my life for good, and now she’s going to be the godmother of my children,” Graham added while writing Breakfield into her will.
Most haven’t been watched wiping since they were a toddler when their parents did it for them. However, Graham knows that this event can bind two new friends together forever, or at least until one of them vomits on themselves, gets picked up by their roommate and leaves without so much as using the neat barcode feature to add each other on Snapchat. While Graham swears she’ll never have an experience quite as touching as the one tonight, everyone knows she’s just a few days away from explaining her most recent mutual breakup straight into some girl’s UTI.