History was made Friday night when a group of audacious girls opted to go out with their natural hair, which would have been considered very cool and even normal anywhere outside of a Florida college town. In an act of utter valor and courage, the four beautiful best friends floated into Heritage Grove rocking every natural coily, kinky and banana curl, despite their only friend with straight hair bailing to hang out with that jackass Derg again. To make matters worse, one member of the group, Rayna Ogletree, had recently chopped her hair to above shoulder length and dyed in some fun blue tips.
“As soon as we walked into the first frat, the music screeched to a halt like in that one 80s movie,” stated Ogletree while emailing her latest freelance Vogue article on the contributions of women of color in high fashion to Anna Wintour and putting out Fancy Feast Chicken Cordon Bleu for the stray cats in her apartment complex. “Then some guy wearing a vomit-stained FSU polo came up to us and asked ‘whoppppfftt you girlss knowddfff here?’”
“Yeah I wanted to kick those girls out! I didn’t like their look,” said Hunter Malcomsworth, while deciding which outdated Ray-Ban aviators to pair with his pastel Yeti t-shirt. “They looked like majestic sea-queen mermaids, which was intimidating and I don’t have the emotional vocabulary to deal with that feeling in a healthy way. Also, they seemed like they could think for themselves, and I didn’t like that.”
Unfortunately, the curly-haired girls were eventually kicked out, depriving them of spending the first hour of their night walking around on the inexplicably wet floors of the frat house trying to find someone who would make them some misguided concoction of Skol and off-brand fruit punch. However, Ogletree will likely be the creative director for a haute couture fashion house and contributing substantively to the intersectional feminist doctrine before she is twenty-five, while Malcomsworth tries to put off graduating for a seventh year because he has no real world skills and knows deep within his sad little Grinch heart that his dad will have to get him a job at a car dealership.